I've Been Faking It. Is That Bad?

Dear Jacqui,

I am dating the most wonderful man in the world. We have a very close relationship, and I love him with all my heart. The only worry I have is that a lot of times I do not orgasm. I still get a lot of enjoyment out of making love, but I’m worried that if I don’t orgasm, he will worry about his performance. He is very considerate in bed, and spends a lot of time giving me pleasure. I don’t want him to be hurt, so I fake it. Is it wrong to fake orgasms to make him happy?



Dear Ruth,

I would rather put the question a different way. What do you both have to lose when faking it? Quite a lot. You say you love this man with all your heart, that you are close, that he is considerate. How close can you be when you need to hide important matters from each other? One of the most important ingredients in building a solid relationship is being able to communicate openly with each other, especially about issues of sexuality and intimacy. That is the way to build trust, which must be there for a relationship to be enduring. In the long run you cannot fake that you are happy when you are not, you cannot fake that you have characteristics that you do not, and you cannot fake that you are sexually fulfilled if you are not. Basically, you are shortchanging two people – yourself and your partner.

You are shortchanging yourself because you keep yourself from exploring why you cannot achieve orgasm and come to terms with it. Maybe you fear that you are not the most accomplished lover? Maybe there are some other issues having to do with your upbringing on your mind? And maybe you just don’t have enough experience in which case a book could help, such as Lou Paget’s new book, The Big O: How to have them, give them and keep them coming. Most of all, you should know that orgasm is not something that simply happens. Most of the time women and men have to learn about orgasm and how to achieve them.

There are many different orgasms a woman can experience, some through manual or oral stimulation. Only about 35% of all women experience orgasm during intercourse. There are little orgasms and very dramatic ones. There is a whole range of experiences women have when coming to orgasm. Women, including you, can learn which way they most enjoy to be loved and touched and that’s the information to share with your loved one once you have explored the subject and come to terms with your own feelings.

Secondly, you are shortchanging your loved one. Don’t you trust him to be understanding when you discuss this issue in a caring way? Give him some credit. Yes, he wants to make you happy. Yes, he feels accomplished when he can bring you to orgasm. But he wants your genuine feelings, not some make believe act, and I am sure he’s ready to discuss the issues with you so that the two of you can build an even closer intimate life together. For love and intimacy to grow, openness and honesty is a must.


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