Dear Jacqui,
My husband says I don't initiate sex very often and I wanted to know if you can tell me If more women or men initiate the sex and how often? Can you give me some percentages? I thought most generally men do the initiating. He also wants to have sex more often than I do so often times I just accommodate him, Is this wrong? Do other women do the same? How does their mate feel about it?

It seems as though he's resentful about me accommodating him, like he thinks that every time we're intimate that I'm always suppose to desire him and that's not how I feel, is this normal? Sometimes I don't want to have sex but just go along to please him and he still isn't happy that I'm having sex with him. Can you give me some inside knowledge on these things, thanks, Sara

Dear Sara,
Many women are a little shy about intimating sex, and yes, most men would like their partner to be a little more aggressive. There are no percentages about this but recent polls indicate that 54% of all women actually would like to have better sex and/or be better lovers.

And, yes, men in general are ready to have sex more often than women and they get aroused much quicker. It takes a man about two to three minutes to be fully aroused. It takes a woman 15 to 20 minutes to be sexually open and ready. However, what I think is going on in your marriage is a lack of communication triggered by sexual discontent which is building resentment on both sides.

Eventually these feelings of resentment and anxiety will make it more difficult for the two of you to be easy and joyful together. So, I believe it's high time to really get to fundamentals and have an open and caring discussion about your and his sexual feelings, desires and ways to improve it.

You might begin by examining your own feelings. Have you enjoyed sex in the past? What do you really feel about it? Are you frightened by it? Feel put upon or even used. What does your husband feel? Does he feel entitled to have his sex now that he's married? Intimacy is about pleasure and the joy of being very close and ultimately united, feeling as one.

It's not about performance. It's not about tolerating sex. It's not about doing it because you feel pressured. It's about making love and enjoying love and giving each other pleasure. You want to become closer and express your love for the other in that special intimate way. That can only be so if both partners really care about each other and don't just look for quick gratification.

Intimacy comes naturally only when the basic relationship is loving and growing. And even then, there are times that hugging and tenderness should take place, not sexual relations. Yes, it is normal that one or the other partner doesn't feel " instant desire" at certain times in their lives.

There is nothing wrong with that and neither partner should feel such a time as a rejection. Maybe there is something going that requires regulation before the partner can engage in intimacy again. Life being as complex as it is, many issues can sneak in and preoccupy us and need time to comprehend and work out by ourselves.

If it is too difficult to broach this sensitive subject by yourself, it might be worthwhile to consider a few counseling sessions with a marriage therapist. I can see from your letter that these issues are really troubling and I congratulate you for your courage to seek answers and try to improve your marriage. You might also enjoy a letter we posted on www.veryprivate.com under advice. Click on love and relationship and then find the letter "How to be more of a seductress." Best wishes,

Jacqui

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