Dear Jacqui:
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years now and we have one problem in the bedroom that is making every other aspect of our sex life miserable. It's actually very difficult for me to talk about, because the whole problem can mainly be rooted to me. He has an oral fetish. He basically has to receive oral sex or he just can't function sexually at all. And that's the problem. I just can't bring myself to do it.

I have the best intention. I try. I start, but as soon as I do it, I start dry-heeving and begin to gag and I just have to stop. It's so embarrassing, and I hate that I can never please him. I've read about it and psyched myself up for it, but no matter how much I prepare myself, I can never go all the way. He's miserable, I'm miserable and the only thing that keeps us together is our very deep love for one another. I don't know how much longer we can last with both of us getting more and more sexually frustrated.
Kim

Dear Kim:
I can well understand you frustration. There is no formula for wonderful sexuality, what pleases one person is not necessarily a pleasure or even acceptable to another -- and, above all, neither of you should feel guilty. If you have indeed great love for each other, you can work it out. Remember this, both partners' feelings are equally important and valid. I suggest that you see a sex counselor together.

Your boyfriend clearly has a psychological issue that blocks him from enjoying sex unless he is gratified orally. You have an aversion to oral sex. Many women feel the same way. By bringing the issues out in the open, sharing them with a trained professional, understanding the underlying anxieties -- I am sure you can find a way to build a good sexual relationship you both enjoy.

However, you both have to want to work it out, really want to. It takes real desire and commitment to achieve modification or even changes. Your love for each other will hopefully help you find the courage.

Jacqui

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