Dear Jacqui,
I've been dating a guy for 9 months. This past weekend he asked me to marry him and we also moved in together. Yesterday, while he was at work, however, I found some things about my fiancée that disgust me. I found on his computer that he has book-marked several porn sites and has saved some revealing pictures of naked woman. I also found tons of porn magazines in his room hidden under his bed and in an old cardboard box up in his closet.

Worst of all, I looked through his wallet while he was in the shower and found receipts for adult videos. I confronted him about this filth. He said he was just "checking the stuff out" before he met me. The receipts and magazines however, and dates of his cookies history in his computer, indicate he has been looking at the filth all the time. How can I trust him? Matilda

Dear Matilda,
How can you tell your fiancée is honest? Time will tell. People cannot hide their basic behavior for very long, eventually the truth and natural tendencies will come out. That is the very reason why people are engaged before they commit to marry, to really get to know each other in a more fundamental way.

Honesty is a matter of character and you are right to be questioning his behavior and your own feelings. You should be very clear as to your fiancée's values. Now is the time to discuss these matters in great detail, with him and possibly with the help of a counselor.

What you need to ascertain is to what degree he is hooked on pornography and why he requires sexual excitement in this manner. Possibly he doesn't understand his need in which case a therapist can help you both. But clearly these issues must be dealt with before you marry.

Often this sort of behavior goes back to insecurities or to a destructive childhood pattern, which may require professional help. Otherwise it may well become a point of estrangement in your marriage. It takes courage to go after the truth but it's the only way for both of you to establish closeness, trust and intimacy.

Jacqui





	"I found out my fiancée is looking at porn all the time, how can I trust him?" Dear Jacqui, I've been dating a guy for 9 months. This past weekend he asked me to marry him and we also moved in together. Yesterday, while he was at work, however, I found some things about my fiancée that disgust me. I found on his computer that he has book-marked several porn sites and has saved some revealing pictures of naked woman. I also found tons of porn magazines in his room hidden under his bed and in an old cardboard box up in his closet. Worst of all, I looked through his wallet while he was in the shower and found receipts for adult videos. I confronted him about this filth. He said he was just "checking the stuff out" before he met me. The receipts and magazines however, and dates of his cookies history in his computer, indicate he has been looking at the filth all the time. How can I trust him? Matilda Dear Matilda, How can you tell your fiancée is honest? Time will tell. People cannot hide their basic behavior for very long, eventually the truth and natural tendencies will come out. That is the very reason why people are engaged before they commit to marry, to really get to know each other in a more fundamental way. Honesty is a matter of character and you are right to be questioning his behavior and your own feelings. You should be very clear as to your fiancée's values. Now is the time to discuss these matters in great detail, with him and possibly with the help of a counselor. What you need to ascertain is to what degree he is hooked on pornography and why he requires sexual excitement in this manner. Possibly he doesn't understand his need in which case a therapist can help you both. But clearly these issues must be dealt with before you marry. Often this sort of behavior goes back to insecurities or to a destructive childhood pattern, which may require professional help. Otherwise it may well become a point of estrangement in your marriage. It takes courage to go after the truth but it's the only way for both of you to establish closeness, trust and intimacy. Jacqui Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corporation. All rights reserved. Thank you for your trust.

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