Anonymous letter sent to a Mckinley Health Center Counselor:

"Several people I have dated for a long time have asked me to have intercourse, but I have always said no. Lately, I can't sleep at all. I have been having these emotional feelings, more when I go to bed, because I know I want sex and I am curious about it too. I've been brought up to believe that it's right only when I get married. I am nineteen, and some friends ask me what I am waiting for. I honestly would like your advice."

You are facing a dilemma faced by many young people today - not only a conflict between the values you have been taught and your own desires, but also between those values and what your friends seem to be doing. It is not surprising that you have difficulty sleeping in the middle of such conflicts. Many students and student couples ask for advice about having intercourse. Although no one can tell you whether you should or not, perhaps considering the following questions can help you think it through:

1. Do you know why your parents and/or religion have taught that intercourse should wait until marriage? Do you accept these ideas? If you do, then you would be creating a lot of inner turmoil to go against your own beliefs.

2. If you do not accept the beliefs you were taught, do you feel truly comfortable and firm in your own beliefs? Try to imagine how you would feel about losing your virginity. Would it make you feel less valuable, less lovable, less good? If so, it is a bad "bargain." This is not to say that an emotional reaction to first intercourse is a sign of trouble. On the contrary, it is a very important moment and an outpouring of feelings can be expected - feelings of joy and sadness, pleasure and disappointment.

3. Have you said no to intercourse out of fear, rather than moral consideration? Many people have fears about sex, especially about first intercourse. Do you think there is some reason you would have an unusually difficult time? Are you afraid you would be unable to respond sexually? Are you afraid your parents would find out? A moral decision made out of fear or ignorance is not really related to morals. You must understand your own feelings and try to find someone (perhaps a counselor or health care provider) who can hear your concerns and help answer your questions.

4. Are you yielding to group pressure from your friends against what you feel is right for you? Don't dismiss this question or take it lightly. Most people don't recognize the full extent of the influence exerted on them by peers. It is easy to feel you are "hung up" or abnormal when your views are different from most of the people around you. Remember that some friends may be giving the impression they are more sexually experienced than they actually are.

5. Are you expecting too much from intercourse? If you believe that intercourse will transport you to the stars, make you overnight into a "real" woman or man, or any other such overblown fantasy, it won't. Try to have realistic expectations before you decide.

6. What does intercourse mean to you - permanent commitment for life? Fidelity for both partners? Love?

7. However you answer question 6, does your current relationship meet these criteria? Does your partner understand what it means to you and do you understand his/her feelings? If intercourse means commitment to you and not to the other, that's trouble.

8. Would you feel comfortable being naked with your partner, touching his/her genitals and having him/her touch yours, allowing yourself to respond sexually? If not, slow down and go through the stages of physical intimacy at a pace that feels right to you before having intercourse.

9. Is your current relationship emotionally intimate and open? Could you tell each other if you were scared or if something hurt? Could your partner tell you he/she has never had intercourse before and was really nervous? You are much more likely to have a satisfying experience if the relationship is at this level before you have intercourse.

10. Can you talk about contraception and condoms? Can you plan which methods are right for you, as a couple, and follow through on that plan?

11. Are you prepared to face a pregnancy, should your contraception fail?

12. Do you have the opportunity for uninterrupted privacy, free from the fear of being heard or intruded upon?

13. Do you feel that all aspects of the relationship have been given time to develop at the same pace? Is where you are emotionally congruent with where your relationship is spiritually, intellectually and physically? If after asking yourself these questions, you still feel confusion and doubt, try to find a trusted person with whom you can talk it out - a religious counselor whose ideas you respect, an older sister or brother, older woman or man you are close to, or a doctor who cares enough to spend some time talking with you.

McKinley Health Center's Wellness Promotion Unit has a Sexual Health Educator to discuss concerns with you! You can schedule an appointment by calling (217) 333-2714.

If you have any questions or concerns, or need to make an appointment, please call: Dial-a-Nurse...(217) 333-2700 If you are concerned about any difference in your treatment plan and the information in this handout, you are advised to contact your health care provider.

Reprinted with permission of the McKinley Health Center Web Site at: http://www.mckinley.uiuc.edu

Jacqui

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