Dear Jacqui,
I've been married for 4 years to a man 15 years older, I'm 36. My problem, or gift, is that I love to make love, have sex or just fool around. He on the other hand does not. I make advances towards him and get pushed away. BUT... whenever he "NEEDS" to relieve himself it's "okay." I always end up giving in, because if I didn't, I would never get any. Plus, he is the only one who "gets off."

I want to be strong and not give in to him, so that maybe he will start understanding that I need it sometimes too. I have a hard time talking about this with him and just need some advise. Please help. Sincerely, Barbara

Dear Barbara:
I am glad you had the courage to write to me, now, maybe, I can give you the courage to have an open and frank discussion with your husband. This should not be the kind of conversation where you discuss all the frustrations that you feel. It should be a way to find a new positive road so that your relationship can improve and both of you can be happy sexual partners.

I suggest you tell him that you have a wonderful idea regarding making your relationship happier, sexier and more fun. Then suggest that both of you have to learn to communicate more openly and listen more actively to each other and recognize each other's needs. Suggest to take a voyage together, the first destination is discovery of what each of you really likes in lovemaking.

Be frank, be honest, and be specific. What really pleases you? How do you want to be touched, kissed stroked and where? What feels the most thrilling? Talk about each detail and then agree, together, that each of you will try their very best to make the other really happy.

Most partners like to see their significant other enjoy the sexual experience. Then, when you make love, do not proceed to actual intercourse until both of you, I mean both of you, are totally ready and cannot wait another second. In fact, many sexologist suggest that women should enjoy an orgasm before proceeding to intercourse.

I guarantee, if he's willing, that both of you will benefit from greater satisfaction and closeness. If the task seems a little overwhelming at first, you might want to use the help of a counselor for the first session or buy a book and tape that can open the door. Remember, if only one partner in a marriage is happy, sooner or later you will feel more and more estranged. You don't want this to happen. Best wishes,

Jacqui

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