"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

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Dear Jacqui,
My husband and I have been married for two years and he's the most amazing, loving caring man I've ever known. We cuddle and snuggle a lot but...we only make love once a month whereas I would enjoy making love almost daily.

Often I feel so wanting, I can't fall asleep after he's already sleeping, sometimes I cry, sometimes I just pray he'd open his eyes and kiss me. He rarely touches my genitals with his fingers and never with his mouth. I only reach orgasm through oral sex, so I really feel frustrated and begin to resent the not ever being sexually satisfied. I've talked to him - he listens but says he's sorry, he wishes to be more into sexuality but...simply isn't. He's fifty, I'm twenty-five. Do you think it's our age difference? Lori

Dear Lori,
Many couples are out of synch when it comes to sexual patterns. Just yesterday I received a letter from a 21-year old lass with a 31 year-old husband asking the very same question about age difference. Sometimes it's the male, sometimes the female partner who is sexually passive. In most cases age is not the reason for sexual withdrawal. Men and women can be great and active lovers in their fifties, sixties, seventies and beyond. A man in his thirties should be in his peak time of sexuality. So let's examine the possible reasons causing sexual repression:

First, it could be a medical problem or a reaction to specific medication. There are a number of health conditions such as diabetes, or psychological conditions such as high stress and anxiety about a particular life situation that may bring about sexual apathy. Many times it's a particular medication that may put a damper on a person's sexual desire. Many anti-depressants are known to depress desire. If that may be the case, a thorough medical check-up and/or discussion with your doctor may clarify or produce a reversal of the situation.

Secondly, deeply ingrained sexual attitudes are most often the cause for sexual problems that become the cause of serious relationship problems once we become sexually engaged. So many sexual hang-ups based on cultural taboos, childhood teachings or specific religious teachings can cause serious sexual inhibitions and passivity.

To be specific, how many people still believe that "sex is wrong", sex should not be pleasurable, it should only be for procreation?, that women who enjoy sex are sluts and men who fool around a lot are players. Unfortunately negative sexual belief systems are hard to change. Only the person who owns these beliefs can decide to let go of them. Often this takes working with a therapist or marriage counselor to achieve a change of attitude.

Finally, some people are simply insecure about their sexual competence and prefer to withdraw than to feel inadequate or uncomfortable. Sometimes these people have had sexual childhood traumas. But in most cases they are simply inexperienced and that is a wonderfully curable disease.

Great sexuality, like most things, is learned. There are many excellent books and tapes on sexual practices. But, best of all is starting with an open and loving exchange of information: what feels wonderful to you. Tell your partner, show him, and guide your partner's hand. Don't be shy about details. Admit your fantasies, your needs, your innermost desires ? each of you. Do it so together you can enrich and enlarge your intimate lives. Where there is a will, there is definitely a way. Age should never prove a hurdle.

Jacqui (top)

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