"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

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I get so many letters expressing fear. They read like this:

Dear Jacqui,
I don't know if my girlfriend loves me. I love her so much and would like to make a life commitment to her but am afraid to ask so I'm constantly in torment. Robert.

Dear Jacqui,
I'm afraid to tell my partner that I have never been sexually satisfied. He loves me deeply and I am totally in love with him. But many nights I fall asleep and cry. How can this end? Jenny.

Dear Jacqui,
My wife and I have become like strangers, deeply disconnected. I hardly feel married anymore. Divorce frightens me. I don't want it but it seems inevitable. What can I do? Walter.

Fear feeds on fear. When we fear we are afraid of the unknown. If we're not expressing our fears they become deeper and more disturbing. The only way to stop these negative emotions and the destruction they cause is to confront our fears before they distort and destroy the reality of our lives. How do we do that?

There is a simple first step we can take. We ask ourselves, what is the worst thing that could happen when I open up and express the feelings that pain my heart and torture my mind. Only then, when we are able to verbalize our fears, look at them in the clear light of day they become less threatening. Only then, when we let go of the negative and do something positive about our fears can we feel whole again.

What would I say to the people who wrote to me? I would ask them the following question: What is the worst thing that could happen if you decided to confront your fears and discuss them openly with your partner?

What could happen to Robert's who is afraid to ask the woman he loves for a commitment? She may in fact tell him that she's not ready for marriage now or ever. She may say that she is not sure about her feelings and needs more time. She may want to pursue her career first and postpone marriage. Having observed his hesitant nature, she may want a more confident man in her life. Whatever her answer, for Robert to learn the truth is clearly better than being torn and fearful of the unknown. Knowing where he stands he is free to take charge of his life again. He has choices that are his. He can decide to become more assertive and win her over. He can make a decision to give her more time or he can conclude that she is not the right life partner. Working through the process might be painful at first but positive in the end.

What about Jenny who's never been sexually gratified?

Just accumulating pain and frustration every day. Has she so little trust in her husband's ability to want to hear about her pain. The very act of admitting her unhappiness to him opens the door for greater understanding between them, which is the basis of building trust. When couples have the courage to share their vulnerabilities they always become closer and deepen the intimacy between them.

The first step is open communication. Once communications flows, solving problems together often turns out to be an enriching and growing experience for both partners. There are many ways couples can improve sexuality in their lives. They can read some books together or view some teaching videos to improve their sexual vocabulary and the knowledge of each other.

They can commit to invest in a couple of sessions with a professional advisor if the problems at hand seem too complex or too deeply rooted. Above all, they can commit to sharing their feelings daily, to bring a new openness to their marriage. This very act will build closeness and a stronger bond between them. Not telling, keeping feelings of frustration and disappointment inside will eventually erode even the strongest love.

To Walter who's estranged from his wife I would say divorce is inevitable unless both partners agree to confront their fears and start building a bridge to each other by talking caringly and positively.

Together you need to construct a new model of life, together you need to be willing to drop the hurts, drop the accusations, let go of the negative patterns that have become your way of life. Together you establish the agenda day by day how to be meaningful and loving to each other.

That's what you talk about rather than regurgitating all the wrongs you have accumulated and which you probably discussed times and again before. You know each other's flaws. Have the grace and the strength to make some modifications where you can, to accept that which you cannot change and do focus the wonderful things that you can be to each other. Sit down, make concrete suggestions about how to improve your daily life, write them down, and read them daily and enact them.

Hugging in the morning, kissing each other when you get back together after a full day, sharing what happened, acknowledging and commenting about things your partner does that are nice and make you feel good. Be in each other's life actively. Engage, talk often, embrace and touch whenever you have a chance. Changing the language to I statements rather than you statements. Say I feel, I love, I enjoy, and I appreciate rather than using accusatory terms such as "you always". Forget blaming. Don't seek to come out the winner. Winning doesn't work in a good relationship. And, above all, don't let fear get the upper hand. Keeping feelings hidden inevitably causes any situation to get worse whether it is individual fear or collective fear.

Fear is energy - negative energy. Now more than ever, as we are dealing with the most horrific threat to our nation threat to our nation, we need to face our fears as individuals and overcome them. The best antidote to free ourselves of this negativity is to be productive in our lives, to be loving and supportive, starting with the people closest to us. That is the way to turn the negative energy of fear into the positive energy of love.

Jacqui (top)

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