Communication is the most important ingredient in a good relationship.

It is also the most misunderstood. Today I'd like to share with you four dynamic essentials of good communication to facilitate good understanding between you and your partner and promote closeness and love in your relationship.

l) Create an atmosphere of caring.

The statement "We need to talk" is threatening to most people. The message is that trouble is brewing. We instantaneously associate these words with verbal attacks or unpleasant arguments and dread the resulting distance and hurt. Avoid openings that portend adversary outcomes. Give out the signal that talking is going to be a positive process rather than a hurtful battle. Start by creating an atmosphere that is caring and positive. Maybe decide to take a leisurely stroll. Have a Sunday morning picnic. Choose "I" sentences not "You" terms.

"Darling, I feel that we should take some time to talk so we can better understand what's going between us. I'd like to be closer to you and I am not sure about some of the messages you give me. I'd like to do that without blaming each other and focus on our feelings. What do you think?"

2) Winning doesn't work.

If you simply go through the exercise to nail your partner and show how wrong he or she is - you might as well forget the process. Think about your intent and be very clear what it is that you wish to communicate. Are you truly seeking to turn the relationship around or simply find a way to prove that it is all the other's fault? If that is your attitude your communication will simply end up in a battle of hurtful words expressing your anger.

This kind of communication can only distance you further and create more hurt. Instead what you are seeking is common ground, a new connection to each other. Many couples have found that when they write down ten ways to make each other feel more loved and then exchange their lists and review them daily, together, really good feelings for each other are created. Then suddenly talking follows naturally.

3) Don't use words to mislead your partner.

Understand that communicating is sharing your feelings and thoughts in an honest, open way. That means sharing yourself more profoundly, open your heart, don't just reveal the thoughts that go through your head. If you use the process of communication to create fabrications, half-truths, exaggerations or feelings of guilt in your partner ? you are not communicating. If you simply use words to achieve a specific result or impression that serves you without any regard to your partner - you are not communicating, you are simply manipulating.

Understand that false and misleading statements undermine the relationship. In the long run it becomes apparent to your partner that you don't mean what you say. When your words don't match your actions your words loose their meaning. They're no longer real. When that happens the trust between you is broken. Without trust relationships cannot flourish.

4) Learning to listen actively.

Many times couples make believe that they are listening to each other when, in fact, they are thinking about totally different ideas or concentrating on preparing their counter argument. In the end we never get what is being said. To really listen is an art many of us have to learn. It starts with listening actively and without prejudice to your partner's message. Really wanting to hear the meaning of the words. A good way to make sure we're hearing the right message is to repeat or mirror to our partner what we have just learned to make sure we're actually understanding the needs and ideas our partner expresses. This is truly the basis of building a close connection every day and a loving, long-term relationship.

Jacqui (top)


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Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions. (more radio show links at end of article) "Four essentials to communicating with your partner." Very Private Radio Show October 31, 2001 Communication is the most important ingredient in a good relationship. It is also the most misunderstood. Today I'd like to share with you four dynamic essentials of good communication to facilitate good understanding between you and your partner and promote closeness and love in your relationship. l) Create an atmosphere of caring. The statement "We need to talk" is threatening to most people. The message is that trouble is brewing. We instantaneously associate these words with verbal attacks or unpleasant arguments and dread the resulting distance and hurt. Avoid openings that portend adversary outcomes. Give out the signal that talking is going to be a positive process rather than a hurtful battle. Start by creating an atmosphere that is caring and positive. Maybe decide to take a leisurely stroll. Have a Sunday morning picnic. Choose "I" sentences not "You" terms. "Darling, I feel that we should take some time to talk so we can better understand what's going between us. I'd like to be closer to you and I am not sure about some of the messages you give me. I'd like to do that without blaming each other and focus on our feelings. What do you think?" 2) Winning doesn't work. If you simply go through the exercise to nail your partner and show how wrong he or she is - you might as well forget the process. Think about your intent and be very clear what it is that you wish to communicate. Are you truly seeking to turn the relationship around or simply find a way to prove that it is all the other's fault? If that is your attitude your communication will simply end up in a battle of hurtful words expressing your anger. This kind of communication can only distance you further and create more hurt. Instead what you are seeking is common ground, a new connection to each other. Many couples have found that when they write down ten ways to make each other feel more loved and then exchange their lists and review them daily, together, really good feelings for each other are created. Then suddenly talking follows naturally. 3) Don't use words to mislead your partner. Understand that communicating is sharing your feelings and thoughts in an honest, open way. That means sharing yourself more profoundly, open your heart, don't just reveal the thoughts that go through your head. If you use the process of communication to create fabrications, half-truths, exaggerations or feelings of guilt in your partner ? you are not communicating. If you simply use words to achieve a specific result or impression that serves you without any regard to your partner - you are not communicating, you are simply manipulating. Understand that false and misleading statements undermine the relationship. In the long run it becomes apparent to your partner that you don't mean what you say. When your words don't match your actions your words loose their meaning. They're no longer real. When that happens the trust between you is broken. Without trust relationships cannot flourish. 4) Learning to listen actively. Many times couples make believe that they are listening to each other when, in fact, they are thinking about totally different ideas or concentrating on preparing their counter argument. In the end we never get what is being said. To really listen is an art many of us have to learn. It starts with listening actively and without prejudice to your partner's message. Really wanting to hear the meaning of the words. A good way to make sure we're hearing the right message is to repeat or mirror to our partner what we have just learned to make sure we're actually understanding the needs and ideas our partner expresses. This is truly the basis of building a close connection every day and a loving, long-term relationship. Jacqui (top) BACK TO RADIO SHOW HOME PAGE Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.