Dear Jacqui,
I have been single since my divorce twelve years ago. I've developed a new life with many new friends, some single, some married. A few months I met a man who is very special to me. We are in a committed relationship. Recently my boyfriend and I have established a home together, which seems to have caused all kinds of fireworks on the part of my "old and trusted" friends. The tension that has arisen between my new life partner and my two closest male friends is particularly painful to me. Both my male friends are single. I was never romantically involved with either one of them but I really care about them.

Additionally, some of my close women friends are acting as if I have betrayed them. I love my new partner and am committed to the life we're building. I also love my friends and don't want to loose them. I really feel torn. How should I manage this stressful dilemma? Erin

Dear Erin,
First, you should expect the reactions of male and female friends to be quite different, being they are members of the opposite sex and have different sentiments as to what you represent in their lives. However, the underlying feeling causing these unexpected reactions are all connected to a fear of change or loss; losing your love, your friendship, your availability, your time, your caring or advice. Each of your friends has established a bond with you. Each has invested a great many feelings in your relationship. You have developed a meaningful history with each of your friends. Suddenly they realize -- as you do -- that this bond, this relationship is about to change.

People react in varied ways to change. Some welcome it and see it as a new challenge, a new opportunity, an adventure in building a new friendship. Others have a more cautious wait and see attitude. As time goes by they may welcome your new partner and participate in your new life and happiness. Other friends may feel disconnected, and in time fade away. You cannot force the issue. You cannot expect every one of your old friends to embrace your new partner and like wise It is equally unrealistic to expect your new partner to like all your old friends.

Frictions will occur, some may go away in time. Obviously, readjusting relationships with your single male friends will require lots of understanding and good communication on everybody's side. Understand that both your single male friends probably experience some competitive feelings.

Somebody new has else has taken the place of "most important" in your life. For many males this often causes them to react in elementary male turf behavior. Guys have their very own methods to settle these issues, their communication, their body language all contain a secret male code by which they give each other approval or disapproval signals. Often they go through a series of challenges before they accept the new pecking order. In many cases initial adversity can turn into real friendships between them.

You can help the process by recognizing good and open conversation with each and every friend, male or female, is needed. Make the time to talk about your new relationship and the seriousness of your commitment. They need to understand clearly how you feel about your new man. They also want to hear that you hope your future relationship with them will be enriched and flourish including the participation of your new partner. Assure them how important they are in your life even though you now have a new love.

It's a wonderful opportunity to thank them for being your friend and reminding them that you are looking forward to a new chapter of life and friendship. Given the opportunity, I bet most of your friends will feel reassured and wish to participate in your new happiness. Sometimes these changes just require time for adjustment.

There are, however, cases where and old friend and your new man don't find common ground. Just as you must have understanding for this to happen and accept it, your new mate should be thoughtful of you and not feel threatened when you see your old friend on your own, at a time when he's involved in activities that don't include you. Talk it out before the fact. Be open about it. There is nothing wrong in having non-couple friends. You are two individuals wanting to share a life. Your individuality is what attracted you to each other. There is no need to give that up. Becoming a couple should be an enriching experience in love and friendships, and an expanding one.

Jacqui (top)


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Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions. (more radio show links at end of article) "Turf Issues: Old friends vs. a new partner" Very Private Radio Show October 24, 2001 Dear Jacqui, I have been single since my divorce twelve years ago. I've developed a new life with many new friends, some single, some married. A few months I met a man who is very special to me. We are in a committed relationship. Recently my boyfriend and I have established a home together, which seems to have caused all kinds of fireworks on the part of my "old and trusted" friends. The tension that has arisen between my new life partner and my two closest male friends is particularly painful to me. Both my male friends are single. I was never romantically involved with either one of them but I really care about them. Additionally, some of my close women friends are acting as if I have betrayed them. I love my new partner and am committed to the life we're building. I also love my friends and don't want to loose them. I really feel torn. How should I manage this stressful dilemma? Erin Dear Erin, First, you should expect the reactions of male and female friends to be quite different, being they are members of the opposite sex and have different sentiments as to what you represent in their lives. However, the underlying feeling causing these unexpected reactions are all connected to a fear of change or loss; losing your love, your friendship, your availability, your time, your caring or advice. Each of your friends has established a bond with you. Each has invested a great many feelings in your relationship. You have developed a meaningful history with each of your friends. Suddenly they realize -- as you do -- that this bond, this relationship is about to change. People react in varied ways to change. Some welcome it and see it as a new challenge, a new opportunity, an adventure in building a new friendship. Others have a more cautious wait and see attitude. As time goes by they may welcome your new partner and participate in your new life and happiness. Other friends may feel disconnected, and in time fade away. You cannot force the issue. You cannot expect every one of your old friends to embrace your new partner and like wise It is equally unrealistic to expect your new partner to like all your old friends. Frictions will occur, some may go away in time. Obviously, readjusting relationships with your single male friends will require lots of understanding and good communication on everybody's side. Understand that both your single male friends probably experience some competitive feelings. Somebody new has else has taken the place of "most important" in your life. For many males this often causes them to react in elementary male turf behavior. Guys have their very own methods to settle these issues, their communication, their body language all contain a secret male code by which they give each other approval or disapproval signals. Often they go through a series of challenges before they accept the new pecking order. In many cases initial adversity can turn into real friendships between them. You can help the process by recognizing good and open conversation with each and every friend, male or female, is needed. Make the time to talk about your new relationship and the seriousness of your commitment. They need to understand clearly how you feel about your new man. They also want to hear that you hope your future relationship with them will be enriched and flourish including the participation of your new partner. Assure them how important they are in your life even though you now have a new love. It's a wonderful opportunity to thank them for being your friend and reminding them that you are looking forward to a new chapter of life and friendship. Given the opportunity, I bet most of your friends will feel reassured and wish to participate in your new happiness. Sometimes these changes just require time for adjustment. There are, however, cases where and old friend and your new man don't find common ground. Just as you must have understanding for this to happen and accept it, your new mate should be thoughtful of you and not feel threatened when you see your old friend on your own, at a time when he's involved in activities that don't include you. Talk it out before the fact. Be open about it. There is nothing wrong in having non-couple friends. You are two individuals wanting to share a life. Your individuality is what attracted you to each other. There is no need to give that up. Becoming a couple should be an enriching experience in love and friendships, and an expanding one. Jacqui (top) BACK TO RADIO SHOW HOME PAGE Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.