"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions.

Dear Jacqui,
I've been together with my girlfriend for two years. For the most part we get along fine. We go to the movies, I pitch in at home and we have great sex. But she is constantly nagging how I'm not intimate with her. She says I don't communicate. What is she talking about? I'm completely in the dark. We even go running together and sometimes we even watch the Monday night football game. What more does she want out of me? Keith

Dear Keith,
What she wants is what most all people in relationship should want. Being together not just doing things together. Intimacy is predicated on really good communication between partners, knowing what's going on each other's heart and mind. Setting aside time to catch up with each other's lives.

To be able to relate to another human being means being able to pay attention to one's own feelings and being able to express those feelings. Keith, do you ever stop long enough to listen to what's going on inside of you? Do you share your feelings with your partner? That is what your girlfriend is talking about when she asks for intimacy.

Many of us are too preoccupied and hurry through our days without ever being in touch with ourselves. We have to consciously stop ourselves and listen. It is not always easy to understand what's going on inside of us but when we make an effort we can learn to hear the message and share it with the other person or persons in our lives. That is the meaning of good communication.

Men often have a more difficult time than women discussing emotional issues. That's understandable. Young boys are more likely to be taught not to show emotions, not to ask for help in dealing with problems. Consequently, it is not easy later in life to reverse these ingrained early belief systems because they never learned the tools required to be in relationship. Communicating intimately is not a subject that is taught at high school or college. Unless children can witness how an intimate relationship works, how both parents participate in open communication, the positive dynamics of relating remain a mystery to many people. No wonder so many partners feel "shut out" in their partnership.

But the good news is, it's never too late to learn. We can learn to communicate; we can learn to be intimate by focusing on what we feel rather than what we think. Little by little we can learn to stop long enough, get a reading of our own feelings and express to our partners what is going on. Feelings are always real. They are the messages from our hearts and soul. When we learn to express them and share them, we are building closeness and intimacy and trust, the very foundation of sustainable love.

How many times have I heard "but my husband says he is not good at all this mushy stuff. He says that's why I have girlfriends to jabber with for hours. " How many times have I read about the impenetrable lady who time and again resorts to defensive dead-end statements such as "I don't want to talk about it now." when their mates try to open the door to a serious conversation.

Yes, there are many emotional resistance fighters but even they can become intimate partners if they are willing to give true communication a chance. What most non-communicators have in common is the fear of making themselves vulnerable by revealing who they are, even to themselves. The fear of showing their vulnerability. The fear of being hurt. They simply don't know that sharing one's vulnerabilities is the most effective and human way to reach one's partner's heart. It's the only way to bring couples closer, to create the loving magic that people call bonding.

For you Keith and for all the other silent partners, share this message with your loved one. Download this radio cast and give open communication and intimacy a chance. Think about how to do it. Discuss the elements of your objective together. Set aside a little time, every day, to catch up with each other. Experience being, not doing.

Friends of mine set aside half an hour every evening before retiring. They have a cup of tea, listen to some favorite music, light a candle, reconnect and catch up with each other. Once you experience that sharing feeling you've taken the first step to greater understanding between the two of you. It's not a quick process. Neither is learning a new language or any new skill. It requires patience and encouragement. Talking from the heart takes getting used to for many people.

But think about that, we all were given the resources to make it happen. We don't need any new equipment. Just a new attitude and a little time to make it happen. In times of stress when the need to turn to each other is more compelling, life sometimes gives us the opportunity to reevaluate our ways.

This is such a time to open up and share with the ones we care most about; to capture our own spirit and make our lives more meaningful. As we said "Time out for Intimacy." If you wish to share what we discussed today with your friend or partner, you can download our discussion from our website, Very Private.com. Good-bye till next week.

Jacqui (top)

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