Dear Jacqui,
I've been on my own since my divorce and dated different men but never got serious with any of them. Then everything changed. After the attacks on the Trade Center I was scared. I didn't want to be home alone. I wanted the physical presence of a man and I wanted sex. I called several of the men that I had dated but didn't sleep with. I ended up having sex with two of them even though I was never interested in random sex before. Now I feel confused and guilty. Sandy

Dear Sandy,
You are not alone. When faced with terror and overcome with fear, many of us react quite differently from our norms. Seeking sex is clearly one of the means people choose when they are terrified or feel bereft after experiencing loss. It seems that is what you experienced. When disaster hits many people abandon their traditional behavior patterns. After the LA earthquake in l994 birth rates went up considerably. The same thing happened after the big blackout in New York. From the reports we hear about increased sexuality after September 11 we should expect the birth rate to go up about nine months from now.

"When people are afraid the body's fight or flight response is triggered", says Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University. What occurs in our bodies is the release of specific hormones and bio- chemicals. These stimulate the survival instinct and drive up dopamine and possibly also testosterone levels that in turn stimulate sexual desire. That's the scientific explanation. The human reaction is more basic and instinctive. Making love is an elemental, primal act connected to the deepest feelings of wanting to be alive and connected to another human being. This is particularly true in times of high stress such as we have been experiencing since the attack on the Trade Center.

When we come face to face with our own mortality we seek reassurance and a way to reaffirm our life energy. Sexuality becomes the natural expression of these very basic desires. Under these circumstances it is well known that traditional beliefs and behavioral patterns we hold dear all our lives simply go out the window. The manager of a website who is married tells us that after the attack he felt that time was more precious than ever. "I wanted to do everything with my wife. I wanted to be closer but I also wanted an escape from reality and all this terror."

A university professor told us that after the attack he had moments of heightened awareness. "Sexual intimacy was definitely more intense." A single woman who works for an advertising agency says that she can't be alone. She absolutely wants company every evening. She hates going home by herself. She also admitted that she gets hit on from a lot of guys who never gave her a second look before.

Married or unmarried, the urge to be closer, the impulse to feel and be able to touch another human being and be ultimately connected through sexual activity can be strongly heightened when disaster strikes. "When my boyfriend and I hold each other in the morning before getting out of bed I feel especially close now." I almost don't want to let go of him,"says the 42-year-old sales rep of a software company. "I just want to shut out the whole crazy world and make love all day." In New York they coined a term for it. They call it end-of-the world or terror sex. I like to think of it differently. I believe that when tragedies happen they make us stop in our tract and re-evaluate our lives. And sometimes we rediscover the meaning of loving and being loved.

Jacqui (top)


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Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions. (more radio show links at end of article) "Sexual Escape" Very Private Radio Show October 10, 2001 Dear Jacqui, I've been on my own since my divorce and dated different men but never got serious with any of them. Then everything changed. After the attacks on the Trade Center I was scared. I didn't want to be home alone. I wanted the physical presence of a man and I wanted sex. I called several of the men that I had dated but didn't sleep with. I ended up having sex with two of them even though I was never interested in random sex before. Now I feel confused and guilty. Sandy Dear Sandy, You are not alone. When faced with terror and overcome with fear, many of us react quite differently from our norms. Seeking sex is clearly one of the means people choose when they are terrified or feel bereft after experiencing loss. It seems that is what you experienced. When disaster hits many people abandon their traditional behavior patterns. After the LA earthquake in l994 birth rates went up considerably. The same thing happened after the big blackout in New York. From the reports we hear about increased sexuality after September 11 we should expect the birth rate to go up about nine months from now. "When people are afraid the body's fight or flight response is triggered", says Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University. What occurs in our bodies is the release of specific hormones and bio- chemicals. These stimulate the survival instinct and drive up dopamine and possibly also testosterone levels that in turn stimulate sexual desire. That's the scientific explanation. The human reaction is more basic and instinctive. Making love is an elemental, primal act connected to the deepest feelings of wanting to be alive and connected to another human being. This is particularly true in times of high stress such as we have been experiencing since the attack on the Trade Center. When we come face to face with our own mortality we seek reassurance and a way to reaffirm our life energy. Sexuality becomes the natural expression of these very basic desires. Under these circumstances it is well known that traditional beliefs and behavioral patterns we hold dear all our lives simply go out the window. The manager of a website who is married tells us that after the attack he felt that time was more precious than ever. "I wanted to do everything with my wife. I wanted to be closer but I also wanted an escape from reality and all this terror." A university professor told us that after the attack he had moments of heightened awareness. "Sexual intimacy was definitely more intense." A single woman who works for an advertising agency says that she can't be alone. She absolutely wants company every evening. She hates going home by herself. She also admitted that she gets hit on from a lot of guys who never gave her a second look before. Married or unmarried, the urge to be closer, the impulse to feel and be able to touch another human being and be ultimately connected through sexual activity can be strongly heightened when disaster strikes. "When my boyfriend and I hold each other in the morning before getting out of bed I feel especially close now." I almost don't want to let go of him,"says the 42-year-old sales rep of a software company. "I just want to shut out the whole crazy world and make love all day." In New York they coined a term for it. They call it end-of-the world or terror sex. I like to think of it differently. I believe that when tragedies happen they make us stop in our tract and re-evaluate our lives. And sometimes we rediscover the meaning of loving and being loved. Jacqui (top) BACK TO RADIO SHOW HOME PAGE Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.