"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

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Dear Jacqui,
Two years into our relationship our sex life is really dragging. I have no clue why or what to do about it. Please help! Yolanda

Dear Yolanda,
Sex without passion, no sex or not enough are the subjects of countless letters I receive. The problem in each case is probably different. However, over time I have learned that most of the problems are based on seven basic issues. Once a couple understands the issues - there is a fighting chance to turn the situation around if both partners have the willingness and caring to do so and re-invigorate their sensual life. I have seen cases where two people headed for divorce ended up in true bliss.

First, we must identify the Problem:

Is it psychological or physiological or a combination of both? Some health problems such as depression require taking an anti-depressant such as Zoloft, Prozac or Paxil? These medications may make you feel better but they can also depress your sexual drive. Discuss with your doctor the dosage and if you can go off drugs occasionally or switch to an anti-depressant like Welbutrin that does not dampen your sexual appetite. Many other medications such as antibiotics, birth control pills, tranquilizers, cholesterol or blood pressure reducing drugs, even antihistamines can also affect your sexual desires negatively.

Be sure to have your hormones levels checked if your sexual drive has markedly changed. Maybe there's a hormone imbalance causing lack of desire. It can happen to women or men. Estrogen and testosterone have an important role in our sexual drive. As we mature these key hormones decrease. Your doctor can advise you if any hormone therapy is advisable. However, if the problem is not your health but psychological then your best bet is to discuss it with a trained therapist. Sometimes just a few sessions can give you clarity and help you turn the problem around. Make Time for Intimacy:

Excuses are not permitted. If you want to have good lovemaking you must give it time to blossom. Don't squeeze it in between items four and five on your agenda. Don't let time in between get too long. If you do it and you make it fun you want it more. And more. Desire atrophies just like everything else you don't use. Making love has to be a priority. It's a cornerstone of every good relationship. Be inventive. Find new ways or places to make love. On the rug, in the back of the SUV. Why not? A little daring can only help.

Is It You or Your Partner? Are you and your partner compatible in bed? Are you able to reach orgasm? Do you feel satisfied after your lovemaking? If not, ask yourself if you can get sexually excited through fantasy, pleasing yourself to reach orgasm, reading or seeing a sexy episode and get aroused or just thinking about another person? If your answer is yes, you don't lack sexual desire. Your lukewarm interest may simply be partner specific.

Are You Comfortable to Communicate Openly About Sex or any other Subject? Do you discuss the details of lovemaking with your partner? Tell him exactly what you like, how to touch you, kiss you and find out what really pleases him? Be clear, be detailed and show each other where the magic spots are. Express your needs and desires, your wildest fantasies.

Show and tell is what is needed to make things clear and each other happy. It's the only the way to wonderful intimacy and sensuousness. Besides, just talking about sexual details is a great turn on. If you have problems with communicating go to Very Private.com and download our last weeks radio show on how to communicate effectively. Are You Comfortable With Your Body?

If you're self conscious about those extra pounds on your hips, or a few too many rolls, start exercising. It promotes blood flow; it releases seratonin, which stimulates sexual desire. If you like your body, others will quickly understand the message and take notice. If you are trying to hide your body it is difficult to feel relaxed while making love. A healthy diet, a regular exercise program promotes well-being and the way you look. Liking your body is a good start to have others like it.

Is Intimacy Uncomfortable Because You Are Too Dry? 42% of all women have vaginal dryness problems because of low estrogen levels or simple, everyday stress. Thank goodness, this problem is easily solved. Women should use a daily intimate moisturizer, just like a facial moisturizer to protect this most delicate tissue that needs moisture more than any other part of the body.

When it is dry, intimacy can become very uncomfortable, even painful. That's why many women shy away from lovemaking. Their partners begin to wonder if they are no longer attractive to their wives or girlfriends? These kind of misunderstanding often result in hurt and estrangement and worse.

Yet they could be easily avoided by using a few drops of intimate moisture before intimacy. And I mean an intimate moisturizer, not a lubricant that does not protect a woman's tissue adequately. An intimate moisturizer prevents vaginal dryness and lets couples enjoy lovemaking as long as they want without feeling discomfort. Besides, many men find it very exciting.

Create a Conducive Environment: A dinner with candlelight, a bottle of wine, a racy book which you read together, music that turns you, a little fragrance in the bend of your knee or a sexy after-shave, or borrow his big sweater in which you look particularly vulnerable. Men too can get into turn-on outfits their women like to create the desirable mood. While preparing, think about all the things you are going to do to each other and what will please you the most. Share your fantasies. The most powerful sex organ is your mind. Use it creatively in order to conjure up the most wonderful intimate time with each other.

Jacqui (top)

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