Dear Jacqui,
I met a really great guy a couple of months ago at a girlfriend's birthday party. He was with an attractive woman but obviously not his one and only -- since he managed to get my number in short order. We went to a football game and got together another time the same week. We also exchanged some really wonderful hugs and long, delicious kisses. After that opening salvo-- dead silence!

Several weeks later he called to make a dinner date. During that evening he dropped a couple of casual comments that indicated he would like to be invited to my place and have sex. I didn't lead him on nor did I take a stand till he started to unbutton my blouse. Then I said no. I simply wasn't ready. He didn't seem to be offended, he simply left and said good night, politely.

I never heard from him again. I really liked this man, and that hasn't happened to me in a long time. Now I have second thoughts. I keep wondering why he hasn't called? Should I have gone ahead and have sex with him? After all, I'm not a virgin. Am I playing too hard to get and missing out because of it? Truth is, I'm tempted to get his phone number and call.
Darien

Dear Darien,
Your instincts gave you the right message. You were not ready to be intimate with Rob for any number of reasons. To act in accordance with your feelings is having good judgement. Don't start questioning your emotional response after the fact. Rationalizing is counter-productive.

What is important is how you felt at that time. Had you slept with him, the same thing might have happened. Rob may have pulled the very same disappearance act and you would feel a lot more hurt today. The reasons why he didn't call are not worth fretting about. His behavior demonstrates his intent. In many ways he gave you a very clear message. He is obviously not interested in what your needs are nor willing to consider them. So he moved on.

Would having sex with him make a difference? I don't think so. Sex is not a mechanical matter. You don't just present your naked body and go through the motions. That's exactly what's wrong with so many people complaining about lack of intimacy or ho-hum sex.

To experience sexuality in an encompassing, gratifying way depends on the ability of both partners to trust each other, to be giving of themselves emotionally as well as physically, to understand each other's needs and likes and wanting to make each other happy. It takes time to get to know a partner, physically and emotionally. We learn about people not just by listening to their life's story but we get to know them intuitively, our feelings learn to trust or not. They give us very clear signals how quickly to proceed.

All we need to do is listen, quietly, to hear the language of our heart. The other issue that's part of your dilemma is having sex in order to motivate your partner under false pretense. Sex is not about giving out favors to achieve a given goal. That's manipulation. You're not doing him or yourself a favor by participating in a sexual con game. If you don't feel it but just do it to hook him -- both of you are cheated. And you don't want him to show up just to get his weekly sex-fix. If you don't feel right about going to bed, don't do it. You made a good decision.

In many ways, Rob gave you a very clear message. He is obviously not interested in what your needs are nor willing to consider them. So he moved on. I suggest you do the same. If you're attractive to one man, there will be many more, especially if your attitude shows that you value yourself. Stop doubting yourself. Put those energies into positive efforts such as exploring new interests and meeting new friends. They may turn out to be a lot more caring and deserving of you.

Jacqui (top)


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Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions. (more radio show links at end of article) "Could Sex Have Made A Difference? Very Private Radio Show November 28, 2001 Dear Jacqui, I met a really great guy a couple of months ago at a girlfriend's birthday party. He was with an attractive woman but obviously not his one and only -- since he managed to get my number in short order. We went to a football game and got together another time the same week. We also exchanged some really wonderful hugs and long, delicious kisses. After that opening salvo-- dead silence! Several weeks later he called to make a dinner date. During that evening he dropped a couple of casual comments that indicated he would like to be invited to my place and have sex. I didn't lead him on nor did I take a stand till he started to unbutton my blouse. Then I said no. I simply wasn't ready. He didn't seem to be offended, he simply left and said good night, politely. I never heard from him again. I really liked this man, and that hasn't happened to me in a long time. Now I have second thoughts. I keep wondering why he hasn't called? Should I have gone ahead and have sex with him? After all, I'm not a virgin. Am I playing too hard to get and missing out because of it? Truth is, I'm tempted to get his phone number and call. Darien Dear Darien, Your instincts gave you the right message. You were not ready to be intimate with Rob for any number of reasons. To act in accordance with your feelings is having good judgement. Don't start questioning your emotional response after the fact. Rationalizing is counter-productive. What is important is how you felt at that time. Had you slept with him, the same thing might have happened. Rob may have pulled the very same disappearance act and you would feel a lot more hurt today. The reasons why he didn't call are not worth fretting about. His behavior demonstrates his intent. In many ways he gave you a very clear message. He is obviously not interested in what your needs are nor willing to consider them. So he moved on. Would having sex with him make a difference? I don't think so. Sex is not a mechanical matter. You don't just present your naked body and go through the motions. That's exactly what's wrong with so many people complaining about lack of intimacy or ho-hum sex. To experience sexuality in an encompassing, gratifying way depends on the ability of both partners to trust each other, to be giving of themselves emotionally as well as physically, to understand each other's needs and likes and wanting to make each other happy. It takes time to get to know a partner, physically and emotionally. We learn about people not just by listening to their life's story but we get to know them intuitively, our feelings learn to trust or not. They give us very clear signals how quickly to proceed. All we need to do is listen, quietly, to hear the language of our heart. The other issue that's part of your dilemma is having sex in order to motivate your partner under false pretense. Sex is not about giving out favors to achieve a given goal. That's manipulation. You're not doing him or yourself a favor by participating in a sexual con game. If you don't feel it but just do it to hook him -- both of you are cheated. And you don't want him to show up just to get his weekly sex-fix. If you don't feel right about going to bed, don't do it. You made a good decision. In many ways, Rob gave you a very clear message. He is obviously not interested in what your needs are nor willing to consider them. So he moved on. I suggest you do the same. If you're attractive to one man, there will be many more, especially if your attitude shows that you value yourself. Stop doubting yourself. Put those energies into positive efforts such as exploring new interests and meeting new friends. They may turn out to be a lot more caring and deserving of you. Jacqui (top) BACK TO RADIO SHOW HOME PAGE (top) Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.