"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

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Dear Jacqui,
Erika and I have been together for five months. I like her a lot; I may even be in love with her. However, I'm the kind of guy who takes his time. Not that I'm seeing anybody else. But I am not sure she is the one for life. It's just too early to tell. So here's the dilemma. What should I do about Christmas? Invite her or not? Her family lives abroad, too far for her to go home. We all live in different places so it's the only time my family can hang out and have a cozy get- together. It's been a yearly tradition. My sister will be there with her husband and children. My brother will be solo. Erika asked me about my plans. I kind of mumbled that I wasn't sure what the family was doing but I would let her know by Thanksgiving.

Now it's curtain time. I am spending tomorrow with her and frankly; I'm of two minds. I don't feel right about either solution. I'm not even sure what kind of Christmas gift to give her. Personal or general. Any help?

Dear Jim,
Let's look at two points of view, yours and hers to get some clarity on the issues. She's your lady but you don't want to mislead her about your feelings that are still tentative. You're loathe to give her the impression that by inviting her to the most intimate and important family gathering you are signaling that you are ready for a -- dare I say the c-word -- commitment. Ditto, you are worried that a significant gift may have too much meaning.

Secondly, you don't want your parents and siblings to feel that Erika is the chosen one. So why bring her? She may or may never be family. Probably the thought has crossed your mind that her very presence may change the dynamics of the family Christmas for everybody. You may also feel somewhat encumbered as regards the time and interactions you will have with your family when she's around.

Finally, if you may say to yourself that this is a perfect opportunity for a little time out, so you can assess more clearly how you really feel about her. Then again you may find that there is something lacking in the joy of Christmas without the woman you love.

I suggest the following:

Sit back. Check in with your feelings. Visualize your arrival, the interaction with your family, exchanging gifts, sitting down to the family dinner, maybe attending a religious service without Erika. How does that feel? Then do the very same exercise again. This time you visualize that she's at your side, laughing, eating, and celebrating with you. What do you feel this time? Which experience feels better, which makes you happier?

Then, there is another important point to consider; her feelings. She probably won't like being left out, especially during the holidays. She might feel abandoned and hurt, more so than you could imagine. Maybe it would change how she feels about you. That's a risk you have to take. On the other hand, you have the opportunity to be open and frank with everybody.

Tell your family what the situation is and ask them if they would feel uncomfortable if you invited her along. Maybe she could join you a couple of days later so that you have some time with your family alone. Be truthful with Erica. Admit to her that you're not ready to make a commitment but you and your family would enjoy her company. Turn off your head. Listen to your heart. The right answer is in your feelings. Happy Thanksgiving.

Jacqui (top)

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