Dear Jacqui,
I have met a quite wonderful lady several weeks ago. Ally is forty and never had a long-term relationship. We've dated extensively. We have a lot in common. In short, I'm really falling for her. Finally, she invited me to her house for dinner and made it clear that I would be welcomed to spend the night. I had previously met her roommate, the cat, when picking her up. I knew that her pet was really important to her. I'm not crazy about cats especially since I'm allergic to cat hair and dander.

But I was willing to make an effort and took an allergy pill with me to prevent a serious attack. Ally had set a beautiful table, cooked a great dinner and lit the candles. But right from the beginning the cat positioned herself in the middle of the table and proceeded to drink from Ally's water glass and nibble off her plate. Frankly, that turned me off but I bit my tongue and swallowed my pill. When the big moment came and we withdrew to the bedroom the cat decided this should be a threesome, not a twosome and got right in the middle of the action. I suggested we leave the cat outside and close the bedroom door but Ally objected. "Oh no, this would totally frustrate her".

It was impossible for me to enjoy the experience; the cat interfered all the time. The next morning Ally told me how happy she was that the cat and I had bonded. Oops! Wow and now what? I'm really taken with the lady but not with the cat. Is there a possible solution here? Wally

Dear Wally,
There is a reason Ally is forty years of age and has never had a long-term relationship. Her cat is clearly her love. Now, many couples or singles love animals and include them in their lives. However, when two people are involved it is absolutely necessary that both partners have to establish the boundaries that include or exclude their four-legged friends. Friends of mine have two terriers; they jump into bed with them and play with them all the time. But when it comes to romance the two critters are left outside the bedroom. It is wrong for Ally to assume that you feel the same way about her cat as she does.

Many people would find it unacceptable to let a pet eat from their plate or drink from their glass. I personally couldn't imagine sharing my partner with my pet during intimacy. I think it best that you have an honest discussion with Ally. Don't say that you think it is inappropriate for the cat to do this and that. In Ally's mind it is appropriate. Instead talk from your heart not your head. Tell Ally how you feel about her, what you like about her and why you think this relationship may have promise.

But admit to her the nature of your real and deep concerns. Be forthright in describing your feelings about the cat, particularly how bothered you were when she shared her plate with her and let her drink from her glass. Make it quite clear to her that you could not enjoy your lovemaking because the cat kept interfering.

But also tell her how attracted you are to her and that you know lovemaking will be wonderful for both of you if you could just be by yourselves. Be sure you discuss your allergy with her and ask her what her feelings are and what solutions she suggests. The ball is really in her court. She must come to terms with what and who is important in her life. She must ask herself some hard questions as to why her pet has such a dominant role in her life?

Through her answers you will gain clarity. They will tell you what her priorities are. We can never know a person up front. We tend to superimpose our fantasies upon a new love object. Over time we learn what the person is really about and if there is a chance for a solid, long term relationship. It's best to ask the hard questions up front and know the truth rather than playing cat and mouse games, which more often than not end in disappointments. And that's the cat's meow.

Jacqui (top)


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Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions. (more radio show links at end of article) "Cat's Meow" Very Private Radio Show May 1, 2002 Dear Jacqui, I have met a quite wonderful lady several weeks ago. Ally is forty and never had a long-term relationship. We've dated extensively. We have a lot in common. In short, I'm really falling for her. Finally, she invited me to her house for dinner and made it clear that I would be welcomed to spend the night. I had previously met her roommate, the cat, when picking her up. I knew that her pet was really important to her. I'm not crazy about cats especially since I'm allergic to cat hair and dander. But I was willing to make an effort and took an allergy pill with me to prevent a serious attack. Ally had set a beautiful table, cooked a great dinner and lit the candles. But right from the beginning the cat positioned herself in the middle of the table and proceeded to drink from Ally's water glass and nibble off her plate. Frankly, that turned me off but I bit my tongue and swallowed my pill. When the big moment came and we withdrew to the bedroom the cat decided this should be a threesome, not a twosome and got right in the middle of the action. I suggested we leave the cat outside and close the bedroom door but Ally objected. "Oh no, this would totally frustrate her". It was impossible for me to enjoy the experience; the cat interfered all the time. The next morning Ally told me how happy she was that the cat and I had bonded. Oops! Wow and now what? I'm really taken with the lady but not with the cat. Is there a possible solution here? Wally Dear Wally, There is a reason Ally is forty years of age and has never had a long-term relationship. Her cat is clearly her love. Now, many couples or singles love animals and include them in their lives. However, when two people are involved it is absolutely necessary that both partners have to establish the boundaries that include or exclude their four-legged friends. Friends of mine have two terriers; they jump into bed with them and play with them all the time. But when it comes to romance the two critters are left outside the bedroom. It is wrong for Ally to assume that you feel the same way about her cat as she does. Many people would find it unacceptable to let a pet eat from their plate or drink from their glass. I personally couldn't imagine sharing my partner with my pet during intimacy. I think it best that you have an honest discussion with Ally. Don't say that you think it is inappropriate for the cat to do this and that. In Ally's mind it is appropriate. Instead talk from your heart not your head. Tell Ally how you feel about her, what you like about her and why you think this relationship may have promise. But admit to her the nature of your real and deep concerns. Be forthright in describing your feelings about the cat, particularly how bothered you were when she shared her plate with her and let her drink from her glass. Make it quite clear to her that you could not enjoy your lovemaking because the cat kept interfering. But also tell her how attracted you are to her and that you know lovemaking will be wonderful for both of you if you could just be by yourselves. Be sure you discuss your allergy with her and ask her what her feelings are and what solutions she suggests. The ball is really in her court. She must come to terms with what and who is important in her life. She must ask herself some hard questions as to why her pet has such a dominant role in her life? Through her answers you will gain clarity. They will tell you what her priorities are. We can never know a person up front. We tend to superimpose our fantasies upon a new love object. Over time we learn what the person is really about and if there is a chance for a solid, long term relationship. It's best to ask the hard questions up front and know the truth rather than playing cat and mouse games, which more often than not end in disappointments. And that's the cat's meow. Jacqui (top) MORE RADIO SHOWS BACK TO RADIO SHOW HOME PAGE Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.