"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

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Dear Jacqui,
I met a man two months ago and have fallen in love like I never expected. I've dated a lot. I've passed on a couple of proposals. He could be my perfect one, except he's not divorced yet. We've spent a lot of time these past weeks and are enormously attracted to each other. We have not had full out sex because I put the brakes on. The chances of getting hurt are frightening to me. I want a serious involvement. I want to get married, not have another passing affair.

Many people coming out of a marriage get into this wild dating craze. One of my ex's went for years from a relationship to relationship after we broke up. I'm nervous about becoming this man's first "after marriage plaything." And yet, I am so attracted to him, I feel caught. Sandra

Dear Sandra,
What's your rush? What's your pressure in making a decision? You have lot's of time to get to know this man and then move to making a decision. The pressure you put on yourself is of your own doing. So, take a deep breath, sit back check in with your feelings as you proceed. The answer is not in your head, only your feelings can and will tell you what is going on.

Second consideration. Don't condemn one man because another did you wrong. Not every man or woman behaves in a cookie cutter mode. Maybe he has had a long enough separation time during which he came to understand why his marriage cannot be saved and what went wrong. Maybe he has done his share of soul searching and come to know some basic truths about himself and the fundamental things he needs to and wants to change in his life. Don't prejudice the situation.

In fact, beyond your wish to have a serious and permanent relationship leading to marriage, have you taken the time to visualize, to think about what kind of life partnership you seek and what characteristics are important to you in the man you wish to spend the rest of your life with? I advise you to really focus on these very essential issues.

Are you prepared for marriage? Have you come to term with the issues that undermined your former relationships? If so, you have nothing to risk by going ahead with the relationship and see how it progresses. Clearly, from what you tell me, you are not a virgin. What are you giving away in moving forward, in exploring, even become sexually involved if your inner comfort level says yes? Turn off your head. Listen to your feelings. If they tell you not to get sexually involved at this time, listen.

Maybe you can pursue a friendship with him for the time being. If he's not interested enough in you to give you time, well then you know the answer. You don't want a partner that doesn't honor your feelings. However, if your insides give you good, strong, positive signals - you might pass up a good thing because of your own irrational fears take you out of a relationship that may have great potential.

Stay in touch with yourself and get to know him. In the beginning we really never know a person, we have feelings and hopes and quite a few fantasies. As we experience life together, the real person comes out and that's a good thing. If he is to be your life partner, you want to be in love and accept the real person, not the fantasy that you conjured up at first. Keep exploring and enjoy what you have without putting pressure on yourself to figuring out the end game. Feeling your way to making the right decision is a far better guide than thinking it through with your head.

Jacqui (top)

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