Dear Jacqui,
My husband and I have been together for four and a half years, and I became pregnant during this time. We hadn't planned to have a child and he was ambivalent about it. However, I convinced him that we should have the baby even though I was forty-four. Our son is three years old. In the last six months my husband's actions have totally confused me. On a few occasions he simply stormed out and did not return for a couple of days. I felt abandoned and almost beside myself with worry.

When he showed up he acted as if nothing had occurred. He didn't apologize he gave me no explanation for his behavior. He just played with his son whom he seems to love a great deal. Recently he told me he just needed to be on his own for now and moved out without much discussion. Still, he comes around especially whenever he wants sex. Sex has always been good for both of us. This back and forth tears me apart. What should I do?

Dear Bettina,
Your husband acts irresponsibly and hurtfully but - you accept his behavior. The more you do the more he feels entitled to get away with it; walk in and out of your life, just as he pleases. He enjoys his sexual gratification without any responsibility and keeps playing with your emotions. These actions are hurtful to you, to your child and to him and can only further erode your relationship and self esteem.

I suggest the following course of action.

As of today, establish clear boundaries and stick with them. Stop making yourself available when he wants sex, don't let him just walk in and play with his son. Change the lock. Install an answering machine. Tell him to please call you and make arrangements for visits with his son, so that you can accommodate him as well as yourself. Stop making yourself sexually available and start dating. This man is clearly not committed to you. You don't owe him anything, you owe yourself a life and you deserve a loving, stable partner. This cannot happen unless you put an end to accepting his abusive behavior.

You must put him on notice with deeds, not just words, that his actions are unacceptable. However, if you truly feel that you should give this relationship another chance then you must find out what his real intentions are. Is there willingness, on his part to face the problems and rebuild the relationship? This is only possible if both of you commit to serious work with a couple therapist.

If he isn't willing to face his own problems and pursue a positive, constructive course of action and stick with it, there is no hope that he will ever change his behavior. Remember, you are in the driver's seat; you have a choice in how you want to live your life. It starts with coming to terms with your feelings and setting clear boundaries.

Jacqui (top)


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Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions. (more radio show links at end of article) "Establishing Boundries" Very Private Radio Show June 26, 2002 Dear Jacqui, My husband and I have been together for four and a half years, and I became pregnant during this time. We hadn't planned to have a child and he was ambivalent about it. However, I convinced him that we should have the baby even though I was forty-four. Our son is three years old. In the last six months my husband's actions have totally confused me. On a few occasions he simply stormed out and did not return for a couple of days. I felt abandoned and almost beside myself with worry. When he showed up he acted as if nothing had occurred. He didn't apologize he gave me no explanation for his behavior. He just played with his son whom he seems to love a great deal. Recently he told me he just needed to be on his own for now and moved out without much discussion. Still, he comes around especially whenever he wants sex. Sex has always been good for both of us. This back and forth tears me apart. What should I do? Dear Bettina, Your husband acts irresponsibly and hurtfully but - you accept his behavior. The more you do the more he feels entitled to get away with it; walk in and out of your life, just as he pleases. He enjoys his sexual gratification without any responsibility and keeps playing with your emotions. These actions are hurtful to you, to your child and to him and can only further erode your relationship and self esteem. I suggest the following course of action. As of today, establish clear boundaries and stick with them. Stop making yourself available when he wants sex, don't let him just walk in and play with his son. Change the lock. Install an answering machine. Tell him to please call you and make arrangements for visits with his son, so that you can accommodate him as well as yourself. Stop making yourself sexually available and start dating. This man is clearly not committed to you. You don't owe him anything, you owe yourself a life and you deserve a loving, stable partner. This cannot happen unless you put an end to accepting his abusive behavior. You must put him on notice with deeds, not just words, that his actions are unacceptable. However, if you truly feel that you should give this relationship another chance then you must find out what his real intentions are. Is there willingness, on his part to face the problems and rebuild the relationship? This is only possible if both of you commit to serious work with a couple therapist. If he isn't willing to face his own problems and pursue a positive, constructive course of action and stick with it, there is no hope that he will ever change his behavior. Remember, you are in the driver's seat; you have a choice in how you want to live your life. It starts with coming to terms with your feelings and setting clear boundaries. Jacqui (top) MORE RADIO SHOWS BACK TO RADIO SHOW HOME PAGE Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.