"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

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Dear Jacqui,
It is not easy for me to meet people. I drive to my job. The company where I work is fairly isolated so I have lunch in the cafeteria. At night I go to the gym and by the time I get home it's fairly late. I really would like to meet someone special. My girlfriends suggested the Internet. They tell me that it can be fun but they have also run into some real creepy people. I am sincerely interested in a committed relationship and maybe more. Is making an electronic connection a viable solution? Please help. Debra

Dear Debra,
Viable? I believe so. Matchmaking on the net has resulted in quite a few marriages. However, nobody so far has developed accurate statistics nor can anybody tell you how these electronic fairytales end. But, clearly, the more people you meet the more you improve your chances to connect. Here is my ten-point dating guide based on interviews with many internet daters of every age and persuasion:

1. Know what you want.

A date, a fling or a serious relationship, possibly leading to marriage.

2. Know what's important to you.

What are the values, the characteristics you are looking for in a person? Give yourself time to reflect upon this and then write down your "must" list. What are the things you insist upon, what is negotiable? Structure your profile accordingly.

3. Compare the different dating sites.

Some are a lot easier to navigate than others. Some dating services give you a free try-out for one week. Some concentrate on specific classifications such as religion, geographic location or professional segmentation. All encourage you to report rude or unusual behavior on the part of members immediately. If you have a bad experience, please report it.

4. Once you get into the action, don't just look at the pictures.

Read a potential date's profile carefully, maybe twice before you write. In your letter, refer to specific information you read in the profile. Reflect after reading, does the text describing the person sound real, phony, slick, rushed or thoughtful? If you decide to go forward start an e-mail exchange, learn more about each other. Ask the questions you would on a date. Continue the e-mail exchange to have enough information to give you at least a reasonable picture of the person you're interested in.

5. If you decide to go to the next step you might suggest a phone conversation.

Remember, your caller ID may be revealed. To avoid this call from a cell or public phone. A voice conversation will add a little reality to the image. Listen carefully. Hear what is being said, not just what you want to hear. It is not a bad idea to make some notes and put together a little "dossier" of the person, especially if you're proceeding with more than one prospect.

6. Ok. You've come to the point where you feel that a first meeting is in the stars.

Choose a public place to get together. Do not invite the person to your home. Maybe you meet over a cup of coffee, a glass of wine or possibly a Sunday morning brunch. Give yourself a time cushion in case you want to extend the time you spend together. Choose a place where you feel comfortable and can talk and hear each other, not one of those noisy hangouts with lots of distractions.

7. You like the person. You agree to see each other again. Go home by yourself.

Do a little checking. Is the information you've received for real? Maybe a call to the workplace may confirm some of the facts.

8. Remember, anybody can write a story and many Internet daters create fabrications.

It is not always easy to know the real from the fake especially if we have no reference points such as a friend or work pal who knows the person you're being introduced to. Many men and women have told me that Internet daters often lie about their looks, weight and other things. Recently a man told me that he drove twice for over an hour to meet a woman. The first date was at least fifteen years older than her picture. The second weighted 30pounds more than she had described.

9. Be forthright and open.

Ask the one you are to meet if their text and pictures are current and a good representation of the facts? A few very direct questions often cause sudden loss of interest.

10. Finally, if the first meeting was a success, then the general rules of dating apply.

If someone is too pushy or even rude, you always have the choice of blocking your phone or putting them on the "block: list so they cannot contact you again. If the meeting was a delight, then the real exploration starts. Good luck.

Jacqui (top)

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