"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

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All break-ups are painful. The issues become a great deal more complex and difficult to resolve when children and legal dissolutions are involved. Today we focus on some emotional aspects of break-ups between consenting adults, married or unmarried. Whether the relationships lasted three months or several years, breaking up never means that we don't have a chance for a new life and happiness.

1) When parting try to be caring: You once were lovers and even though a lot of "stuff" may have accumulated, there is no gain in throwing "hate balls" at each other. With all that you're feeling, try to concentrate what's good in each other and call on these feelings to wish each other well. If your romance was of a shorter duration don't send a "Dear Jo or Josephine" letter. Have the guts to talk openly, maybe over a glass of wine or cup of coffee. Reiterate the things that were positive but also admit that there were essentials missing for an ultimate commitment.

2) Logistics: Agree to a specific date and time to clear your stuff out. Don't do it in dribs and drabs. Bring a friend along to help in the difficult task. A neutral person can often "detox" the levels of tension and apprehension.

3) Think about when and how to tell your family, friends, acquaintances and co-workers. Think about what you wish to tell them. Be cautious not to reveal unnecessary details in moments of anger. You might regret it later. Stick with one and the same message. In general trashing your ex is never a good idea.

4) Wipe out emotional reminders. Take your ex's number off the speed dial, replace the picture that is still standing on your night table. Toss "the other's stuff" and regain all the shelf space in the medicine cabinet. Avoid the places you went together. Don't give in to the temptation to call or "accidentally" bump into him or her just because you're lonely.

5) It's normal to feel hurt and self pity at first and give in to these emotions. But after the phase of "acknowledging the pain," it is best to get active rather than keep wallowing in pain. Now is the time to delve into that hobby you always wanted to pursue. After her break-up Beth became an expert in "dried" flower arranging. She put all her passion into making the most wonderful creations which she sold as quickly as she could make them. Two years later she gave up her job to expand her flower business which had become her source of income and a center of happiness in her life.

6) Send out a "Hi, I'm single again" message to friends and acquaintances asking them to include you in their activities: Do it in a caring, fun way. Offer to make your famous chocolate cake if they plan a cook-out. Tell them you love movies, hiking, museum visits and are interested in meeting new singles, even if they don't think they will be your new heartthrob.

7) Enlarge your circle of contacts: Join a group; photography or art lovers, swing dancers, archeology buffs or "foodies." There is a group for almost any subject under the sun and the people you meet share your interest.

8) Think about a new you: How about changing your looks, maybe loosing a couple of pounds or explore a beauty make-over? How about learning something new? This is your time to explore, to expand, to grow and become a more attractive person. And remember, a quick way to raise your seratonin levels and make you feel better instantly is engaging in sports or any form of exercise.

9) Be good to yourself: Each day give yourself a couple of minute to feel the positive things you are. Acknowledge these feelings. Give yourself little treats. A pamper weekend with your girlfriend including massage, spa, gab sessions in the Jacuzzi, a yoga experience or hiking weekend with your buddies.

10) Take out the CDs you love and stacked away because your ex wasn't fond of "your music." You're free to eat, drink, wear and do whatever pleases you and you alone.

11) Take that longed for vacation to the top place on your wish list: You will be surprised how many wonderful people you meet when going solo.

12) Repeat the magic mantra each morning: This is not the tragic end of my life but an exciting new beginning. Nobody says it's easy, but it's possible. And wonderful happenings will follow.

Jacqui (top)

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