"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

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Dear Jacqui,
We've been married for nine years, have a three-year-old son, and up to a few months ago I would have said that we have a very happy marriage and that my husband and I love each other. Something at that point had changed. He worked late far more often and a few times when he went on a business trip he said he had to leave on Sunday because he had early meetings on Monday.

I had this awful feeling in my gut that he was cheating on me. It drove me crazy and yes, I decided to hire a private investigator. When he delivered the evidence, I was relieved and bewildered at the same time when I found out I was right. In my anger and hurt I asked him to get out of the house and that I never wanted to see him again. I think I just drove him deeper into the arms of the other woman. I am a wreck. I still love him but I think I ruined our lives together for good. What do you say? Candy

Dear Jacqui,
I am really torn and confused. I believe my wife Betty is having an affair and it's tearing me up. I love her. I cannot imagine not being with her. We were sweethearts for three years before we married five years ago. We were planning to have a child. I don't know how it got to this. I actually discovered it by chance. She was out for an evening with the girls as she often does. When the screen came alive I looked at a love letter that this guy Phillip had sent her. My whole life seemed to crash in one moment. What should I do? Kyle

Dear Candy, Dear Kyle:
You both discovered that your partner isn't faithful and that's a deeply painful realization and not easy to overcome. However, first I wish to tell you that there were dynamics going on in your marriages that lead up to the transgression. In other words, the feelings that drove your partners to these steps were brewing for some time before your partners took these steps and put your marriages as well as your common happiness at risk. What the circumstances were that led to discontent, unhappiness and these final very dramatic actions on the part of your partner I cannot tell. However, what we need to focus on now is your individual actions.

Candy, you decided to hire a private investigator, which meant you postponed talking to your partner. That is quite an invasive decision. As you said, you knew in your gut what was going on. Why did you take this rather drastic step? Your need was to have black and white evidence that you were wronged. Why was this important to you? Did you want to punish your husband by hurling the evidence at him? Did you think through what you would do with this evidence?

Maybe you have been wronged earlier in your life and have a hard time trusting? Maybe you were hurt many times and you believe deep in your heart that you will always be the wronged. Maybe it felt better to know the awful truth than continue suffering the pain of uncertainty? Did you ever consider talking to your husband before taking this inevitable step? You wrote to me so you must trust me. I can tell you that it is never too late to at least open the communication and contact and maybe reverse the course of your action. It is quite possible that your husband too is hurting and would like a chance for both of you to find our what each of your roles were and are that led to this current situation.

I would strongly suggest that you involve a marriage counselor in helping start a productive dialogue. Nobody can predict the outcome. Both of you must have a deep feeling that you want to explore the way to each other and be committed to that course. If both of you feel that way you have a good chance to discover what drove you apart and how to overcome these underlying divisive issues.

Kyle, you chose to write to me before jumping into the action that may cause more damage. Thank you for your trust. The next most important step is to dialogue with your wife. I know this is not easy but it is the only solution that can bring about a change in your current situation. I suggest you choose an environment that is not threatening. Maybe you suggest for the two of you to take a Sunday stroll together or drive to a special place that has always evoked good feelings for both of you.

When you start talking tell her how you feel. Don't accuse her. Tell her that you want to find out why she chose this action not to threaten her but to learn what led to hear decision and in which way both of you contributed to this break in your marriage so that you can reverse the wrong and start rebuilding a bridge to each other. Tell her early in the conversation that you hope that she too would like to turn around this unhappy situation and identify the issues that drove you apart and give each other and your marriage another chance. And yes, tell her that you still love her deeply.

Again, it might be of help to get some couple counseling. Many communities offer resources to help couples that are stuck to get over sensitive hurdles. The most important hurdle always is to start communication from the heart ? not the head. This conversation you are about to have is not about winning an arguments or making accusations and getting even. This discourse between the two of you is to identify why you've been feeling lonely, or unsatisfied, or hurt for some time in and how you two can redress these situations.

I am a big believer in lists. Each of you should write down what has been hurting you in the marriage, what's really been bothering you and how it made you feel. Unveil the truth between you gently and with caring for each other. You may discover much of the hurt and mistrust grew out of misunderstanding your partner, making false assumptions and jumping to false conclusions simply because you didn?t communicate or not communicate clearly or truthfully with each other.

Kyle, you've had the courage to write to me. Now find it in your heart to speak plainly about your feelings with your wife. True feelings expressed bring a powerful message to the one you love and may well open the way to a continuous dialogue. I wish both of you a good new beginning.

Jacqui (top)

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