"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions.

Dear Jacqui,
I love my husband and I'm attracted to him. But when it comes to sex, I don't know how to let go. We both would like it if I could be more wild and experimental. How can I learn? Can I read a book or do some sexy exercises to get the hang of it? Wendy

Dear Jacqui,
We've been engaged for one year and living together for two. We have a lot of fun together and are heading toward marriage. There's only one negative, our sex life is as bland as it gets. From my former experiences I know the difference between plain vanilla and a hot chocolate soufflé. How can we spice up our love life and how do I bring it up to her? Anthony

Dear Wendy and Anthony:
You are not the only ones wondering how to improve the sex portion of your relationship. I get many letters from married and unmarried couples wondering how to spice-up their sexual lives. Here are some suggestions from couples who've have been together happily from three to 38 years and have managed to keep their sex life sizzling:

1) Most agree that breaking sexual routines is essential. Introduce change!

• If you always make love at night, try a lazy afternoon session. If your romantic adventures always take place in the bed, try the outdoors next time and make love in shielded corner of your own backyard with the sunlight stroking your bodies.
• If the weather doesn't cooperate, try new and multiple locations in your home. Maybe start with foreplay in the bathtub followed by a love session on a soft, big towel spread out on the floor of any room, both your bodies still wet.
• Even a simple move as switching sides of the mattress can help. In terms of your sexual menu, add some new dishes. Try something enticing you haven?t savored yet, instead of choosing the old stand-by.

2) How to give your partner the message.

• Bring home a sexy book. Introduce an intimate moisturizer for playfulness such as a bottle of Very Private. Suggest a massage with an exotic oil. Before jumping into the action have a long intimacy talk.
• Don't be shy discussing your sexual preferences. Be open, be specific; describe in detail what you really like, how you want to be touched, stroked, kissed. It isn't written on your forehead. Making love is not a guessing game.
• It's for both partners to be really clear about how they can give each other the greatest pleasure. No partner can make you happy if you're not willing to share your sexual fantasies and secrets.
• You will never have the kind of wonderful sexual experience you so desire unless you ask for it and even show your partner what it is exactly that turns you on.
• Talking about sex openly can be a great turn-on. How to words are very sexy. Partners who are sexually happy know deeply how to fulfill each other and they keep inventing new ways to heighten each other's pleasures.

Wendy, you say that you're not really a highly physical person and rather repressed.

• At sometime in your childhood a pattern was instilled in you equating sex with negative ideas. But you're not a child any longer and you can let go of these patterns and beliefs, whatever they are.
• Examine why you feel shy and awkward. Make a conscious decision to change and embrace loving. A good beginning is to increase your knowledge about sexuality.
• I find Lou Paget's books on how to give a man or a woman great pleasure to be excellent love guides. They are written in a straightforward way, well illustrated and they may well help you in changing your attitude.
• Next in the program is exercising your sexual musculature to improve performance and enjoyment. Many doctors recommend the Kegel Exerciser to strengthen and exercise pelvic floor muscles.
• This is the only effective and foolproof Kegel exerciser we ever found that improves a woman's sexual performance and pleasure. You can find all the products mentioned at www.veryprivate.com

3) Take time for loving.

• Don't let your harried calendar wipe out time for intimacy and sexuality. Every once in a while plan a grand passion weekend or day. Start with a Saturday morning love session followed by a sumptuous brunch of love foods such as strawberries and cream plus waffles savored in bed.
• Follow up with a portion of cuddling plus a recovery nap. Later in the afternoon go to see the most romantic movie ever. If you can't find it on the big screen, rent one. Saturday night should be very special.
• Duplicate, as close as you can, what you did on your very first date. If you still live in the same city, if that little place where you had your first dinner is still around, go back and reminisce and feel how it was when you first laid eyes on each other.

4) Love Sunday...

• ...might start with a hike or a stroll followed by a love picnic. Pack the foods you both adore and bring along photographs of the two of you from times past, even your wedding pics.
• By the time Sunday night comes around - you'll fall into each other's arms, a lot closer, a lot happier, and a lot more sure how much you really mean to each other. Before closing your eyes don't forget to tell each other how wonderful you feel.
• Partners never cease to appreciate being told that they are cherished. Even strong, bold types are thrilled to hear mushy love words from you, anytime.

Jacqui (top)

Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.