"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

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Dear Jacqui,
I have noticed that each time I get into a situation where I feel emotionally "attacked," it upsets me so that somehow it leads to a devastating run-in between my partner, Frank, and myself. It's like I'm so supersensitive at that moment that anything can trigger a fight, which leaves us both emotionally exhausted and hurt. How in the world can I break this pattern? I love Frank. I don't want to cause more alienation between us. Anita

Dear Anita,
People get into serious fights all the time, and most of the time they have nothing to do with the real cause of the disagreement. The key to avoiding hurtful arguments when you feel emotionally shaken or hurt is to put the brakes on, to get in touch with your feelings and ask yourself a simple question, what is it really that upsets me? Why do I feel so hurt? Sometimes we can figure out what the cause of our pain is.

Sometimes it is more difficult to figure out. In your case I suspect it is an old wound caused by emotional damage that occurred a long time ago, maybe as far back as when you were only three year old. Then what happens, each time somebody "attacks" you as you put it, it wakes up the old wound and brings back all the same hurtful feelings of long ago which have never been released. It's an instant reaction and within minutes the bad feeling sets in and permeates you.

Even if you felt wonderful just a moment ago, you now are filled with sadness and hurt. Instantly your defenses go up. You are ready for attack and as you say, even the slightest action or word can cause a major argument. Probably this hurtful pattern has existed with other partners before Frank as well. Luckily you are recognizing that you are part of the problem and want to do something about it. Bravo, Anita! I admire your courage and resolve. It is the first step to healing your problem.

Now, for the second step, it is important to try to connect with the feelings of hurt that are deeply buried within you. Try to remember when that hurt happened the first time. Think back, what were the circumstances, who hurt you? If you can remember, talk about it. Reveal all the details share them with a close friend or your loved one. Even better is to have the support of a professional therapist who can help you identify and cope with these destructive patterns so you can become free of them and of their hold over you.

So that they no longer propel you to displace hurt or anger and find some other cause to pick a fight. Think about this, our feelings guide our actions and influence every single day of our lives. It is so important to be in touch with our feelings, hear what our inner voice is saying and be guided by that. More and more you learn about yourself, to know and accept yourself. The person you're married to longest is yourself. So it's critical to be in harmony with yourself. As you have already discovered, when you're feeling good about yourself it reflects in your relationship, and vice versa.

I suggest a little trick. Every time you feel doubt, negativity or anger rise, train yourself to trigger an inner alarm to go off. When you hear that little alarm it is your own warning signal to sit back and take a couple of deep breathes. Then go inside yourself and ask what is going on? What event happened just moments ago or half an hour ago or that morning that triggered the hurtful emotional cascade? Little by little you will learn to understand what sets you off. Once you are clear about what caused the upset, take the time till you feel calm.

Then discuss the incident with your partner in a kind, explanatory way. Make him understand how certain actions or words of his cause you deep hurt. Suggest that in the future he may wish to adapt the way he communicates criticism or negative input in order for both of you to avoid hurtful counter attacks. The other suggestion I have is this. Think about a day that you looked in the mirror and felt great. That day everything went well. You felt on top of the world. Then think about another time when you could hardly look at yourself in the mirror. You felt miserable, unattractive, and everything seemed to go wrong that day. So what changed?

You are still the same lovable person. You have the same pretty eyes, the same characteristics, the same skills and talents. So the only change that occurred is how you feel about yourself. Only you can connect with your positive feelings and let them prevail. That doesn't mean that life doesn't throw us a lot of hurdles. Nobody's life is smooth everyday. But even the toughest hurdles are easier to master when we can summon up our positive energy rather than let negative thoughts overwhelm us. You are on the right way, Anita. Let me mention that most communities have counseling services that are completely free or very reasonable and can be very helpful. Maybe that is a step you may wish to explore.

Jacqui (top)

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