"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

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Dear Jacqui,
We've been dating four months. I'm a system's engineer, my new girlfriend is a sales rep with a media company and we both make a pretty good salary. In the beginning it was quite natural for me to pick up the check when we go out. But lately it's been bothering me that she never makes a move when the bill arrives. I think she simply assumes since I'm the guy I pay. I thought nowadays both partners pitch in financially. Am I wrong? Steven

Dear Steven,
No, you're not wrong. It's high time to bring up the subject before your concern becomes resentment and affects the future of the relationship. Why aren't you comfortable about bringing up the subject with her? Obviously, you want the relationship to continue otherwise you wouldn't worry about this issue. There is nothing like openness to build a solid foundation for any relationship whether the subject is money or intimacy or any other sensitive matter.

Now is the time to understand the ground rules, which will explain a lot about the character of your potential partner. Money issues are potential deal breakers and there is nothing wrong with opening up the subject by suggesting that you want to work out a comfortable way to handle "who pays the tab?" issues. Once the subject is open, discuss in greater detail how she feels about financial issues and how you handle your money.

How to split the dinner check is only the opening salvo. If you intend to spend serious time together you should lay out the financial blueprint for the relationship. Find out what her expectations are and discuss in general ways what your financial principals are and how you feel about sharing costs. Pretty soon you may plan to take off for a weekends or a vacation together. Be sure to discuss the financial details ahead of time. Does each of you pay for their own ticket?

Will you share the hotel bill and dinners out? What style of entertaining and traveling are you accustomed to and what does she expect? Is she a four star girl and you're a motel guy? These issues can really trip you up if you're not comfortable enough with each other to explain where you're coming from and what's comfortable financially. If you're serious about the relationship, my suggestion is to have a together budget for all the shared expenses and bring along some private money for individual preferences, shopping sprees or surprises, for example:

For her:

• In the beginning, he's paid for a couple of dinners. Invite him over and cook up a storm.
• Never feel it's a tit for tat. Pick up some concert tickets to even out the financial score after he's wined and dined you.
• Don't get into a situation to let him take you out in style and then feel obligated to reciprocate in the bedroom. You don't trade sexual favors for a lobster dinner.

For him:

• Be frank about your financial situation. Don't pretend because you can't play this game forever. If you can't afford the Ritz but want to invite her for a romantic get-away suggest camping or a cozy bread-and-breakfast.
• She's gorgeous. You're average looking. Is that why you're always picking up the tab as long as your seen with your trophy date? Spending money on a date will never make up for your feelings of inadequacy.

Assume that sharing is today's accepted mode. Sharing power, sharing decision-making, sharing financial responsibility. The details of sharing need to be discussed to fit your particular relationship.

Jacqui (top)

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