Dear Jacqui,
My husband got sexually involved with another woman. It led to our separation. At first we didn't talk at all. After a few months we talked occasionally. Lately he's called quite often and last week he actually proposed that we should have sex and talk. The trouble is - I am still attracted to him, and yes, I still love him. We're about to be divorced. To make things worse, he's still seeing "the other woman". I am so torn - can you help? Lisa

Dear Lisa,
The issue isn't if you should or should not have sex with him. That doesn't resolve anything and might just muddle the situation further. The question to ask you is to identify his true intent. Is there a realistic basis to give your ex another try? Is there any real hope that you can rebuild this marriage? Or is he just playing a con game?

Clearly, you still love him; you are still attracted to him. But what about him? Is he just looking for another quick sexual thrill and then, having had his little adventure, will go back to his other lady and disappoint you once again or has he had a true change of heart? I am rather skeptical of his motives. A man who seeks reconciliation makes his intent clear and doesn't suggest sex and talk. You can find out what his real intent is by suggesting a meeting to talk. Let him know that you have no intention to have sex at this time. Find out his true colors by establishing definite ground rules and make it very clear that you mean what you say.

Firstly, he has to end and end for good the relationship with the other woman. He must be able to tell you with complete sincerity that it is over and he will never see her again and convince you if he wants to win you back. It is impossible to even consider a reconciliation if she's still in the picture.

Secondly, he has to agree to go for couple's therapy so the two of you can discover what problems existed in your marriage that caused the breakdown in the first place. That does not mean a couple of quick fix sessions but both of you have to make a serious effort to rebuild your relationship step by step. To navigate this process without professional help is very difficult but it is possible if both of you have a real desire and commitment to tackle your issues day by day. They will not go away by themselves. You have to work through them and that takes courage and complete emotional honesty.

Be open with each other; be focused on your objective to make your marriage better day by day. You don't have to make fancy love declarations, what's helpful are paying attention to each other, little thoughtful gestures that say I care about you such as fixing his favorite dessert and his picking up tickets for the movie you are dying to see. Set aside daily time to communicate. Review your activities, your time away from each other, discuss little problems that come up. Don't sweep them under the carpet.

Talk from the heart - not from the head. You're in this together. Acknowledge each other's progress and appreciate loving actions or words of your partner. Be intimate often. Not just in the bedroom but hug often, have body contact when you kiss each other before parting in the morning. Hold hands during a little candlelight dinner at home. Reinforce intimacy by calling each other, sending little e-mails, really being in each other's life.

If you find that your almost ex is willing to participate in this serious marriage rescue and committed to have a full part in it then, dear Lisa, give it a try. If you sense the opposite, then it's best to proceed with your divorce because the writing is on the wall. He is what he is and his calls are simply selfish manipulations to get sexual gratifications from whomever he wants, no matter how much he hurts his partner's feelings. Either way, good luck!

Jacqui (top)


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Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions. (more radio show links at end of article) "We've been separated one year, and we're on the verge of divorce. Suddenly my husband comes on to me." Very Private Radio Show February 20, 2002 Dear Jacqui, My husband got sexually involved with another woman. It led to our separation. At first we didn't talk at all. After a few months we talked occasionally. Lately he's called quite often and last week he actually proposed that we should have sex and talk. The trouble is - I am still attracted to him, and yes, I still love him. We're about to be divorced. To make things worse, he's still seeing "the other woman". I am so torn - can you help? Lisa Dear Lisa, The issue isn't if you should or should not have sex with him. That doesn't resolve anything and might just muddle the situation further. The question to ask you is to identify his true intent. Is there a realistic basis to give your ex another try? Is there any real hope that you can rebuild this marriage? Or is he just playing a con game? Clearly, you still love him; you are still attracted to him. But what about him? Is he just looking for another quick sexual thrill and then, having had his little adventure, will go back to his other lady and disappoint you once again or has he had a true change of heart? I am rather skeptical of his motives. A man who seeks reconciliation makes his intent clear and doesn't suggest sex and talk. You can find out what his real intent is by suggesting a meeting to talk. Let him know that you have no intention to have sex at this time. Find out his true colors by establishing definite ground rules and make it very clear that you mean what you say. Firstly, he has to end and end for good the relationship with the other woman. He must be able to tell you with complete sincerity that it is over and he will never see her again and convince you if he wants to win you back. It is impossible to even consider a reconciliation if she's still in the picture. Secondly, he has to agree to go for couple's therapy so the two of you can discover what problems existed in your marriage that caused the breakdown in the first place. That does not mean a couple of quick fix sessions but both of you have to make a serious effort to rebuild your relationship step by step. To navigate this process without professional help is very difficult but it is possible if both of you have a real desire and commitment to tackle your issues day by day. They will not go away by themselves. You have to work through them and that takes courage and complete emotional honesty. Be open with each other; be focused on your objective to make your marriage better day by day. You don't have to make fancy love declarations, what's helpful are paying attention to each other, little thoughtful gestures that say I care about you such as fixing his favorite dessert and his picking up tickets for the movie you are dying to see. Set aside daily time to communicate. Review your activities, your time away from each other, discuss little problems that come up. Don't sweep them under the carpet. Talk from the heart - not from the head. You're in this together. Acknowledge each other's progress and appreciate loving actions or words of your partner. Be intimate often. Not just in the bedroom but hug often, have body contact when you kiss each other before parting in the morning. Hold hands during a little candlelight dinner at home. Reinforce intimacy by calling each other, sending little e-mails, really being in each other's life. If you find that your almost ex is willing to participate in this serious marriage rescue and committed to have a full part in it then, dear Lisa, give it a try. If you sense the opposite, then it's best to proceed with your divorce because the writing is on the wall. He is what he is and his calls are simply selfish manipulations to get sexual gratifications from whomever he wants, no matter how much he hurts his partner's feelings. Either way, good luck! Jacqui (top) MORE RADIO SHOWS BACK TO RADIO SHOW HOME PAGE Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.