Dear Jacqui,
My boyfriend held a very good job for many years and was promoted a number of times. Then he switched to a new company and when they downsized in the recent economic downturn he got the pink slip. Since then he's been totally dejected and it has thoroughly affected our relationship. I can't do anything right. If I try to build him up he tells me to stop BS-ing. When I give him suggestions about preparing for an interview he gets angry or walks away.

It's like he resents my presence. What should I do? Move back to my home and get out of his way for a while? Sometimes his defeatist attitude really gets to me. I'd like to shake him so he snaps out of it. I feel really confused. Kelly

Dear Kelly,
If you love him don't move out, just give him enough space so he work his way out of this emotional hole. His self-esteem has been dealt a severe blow. His symptoms have all the earmarks of what is called a "clinical situational depression." His sense of self is probably very fragile. He might feel a failure and unconsciously do things to push you out of his life because he doesn't feel worthy of you. There are a lot of things he cannot accept from you at this moment even though you mean well. He has to find his own footing and work his way back to feeling himself again.

You can help him by backing off and giving him enough space to work things through in his own way. You can relieve the pressure by just being there, supportive, understanding but clearly concentrating on your life rather than making his struggle your focus.

It is not easy for a nurturing person to be passive, but these are the signals he is trying to give you. Just let him know that your love is there, and will be there when he is ready to accept himself and you. It may be a good idea for you to enroll in a workshop you've been thinking about. Plan some activities with your women friends that will take you out of the house and give him "alone" space. That long overdue visit with your family may be a good idea.

For him it's really important to get his own kind of support. Networking with old friends and colleagues is an important step for starters. He'll be surprised how many of them have gone through similar experiences and are eager to share with him how they overcame the hurdles.

Possibly there is a really good friend he could visit and spend a few days. There is nothing like a real buddy to hang with, feel the comfort of a trusted friendship and talk without feeling shame. He may wish to explore one of the outplacement firms. They have helped thousand of people in similar situation both with practical advice such as how to prepare a new CV as well as emotional counseling to get the candidates ready to interview constructive and re-enter the job market. Or join a support group. They exist in almost every community.

Understand that even in a close loving relationship there are times when a wounded partner needs healing time and space and is not able to accept or give love. As he feels better about himself, I'm sure he will find his way back to himself and you.

Jacqui (top)


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Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions. (more radio show links at end of article) "He lost his Job and takes it out on me" Very Private Radio Show February 13, 2002 Dear Jacqui, My boyfriend held a very good job for many years and was promoted a number of times. Then he switched to a new company and when they downsized in the recent economic downturn he got the pink slip. Since then he's been totally dejected and it has thoroughly affected our relationship. I can't do anything right. If I try to build him up he tells me to stop BS-ing. When I give him suggestions about preparing for an interview he gets angry or walks away. It's like he resents my presence. What should I do? Move back to my home and get out of his way for a while? Sometimes his defeatist attitude really gets to me. I'd like to shake him so he snaps out of it. I feel really confused. Kelly Dear Kelly, If you love him don't move out, just give him enough space so he work his way out of this emotional hole. His self-esteem has been dealt a severe blow. His symptoms have all the earmarks of what is called a "clinical situational depression." His sense of self is probably very fragile. He might feel a failure and unconsciously do things to push you out of his life because he doesn't feel worthy of you. There are a lot of things he cannot accept from you at this moment even though you mean well. He has to find his own footing and work his way back to feeling himself again. You can help him by backing off and giving him enough space to work things through in his own way. You can relieve the pressure by just being there, supportive, understanding but clearly concentrating on your life rather than making his struggle your focus. It is not easy for a nurturing person to be passive, but these are the signals he is trying to give you. Just let him know that your love is there, and will be there when he is ready to accept himself and you. It may be a good idea for you to enroll in a workshop you've been thinking about. Plan some activities with your women friends that will take you out of the house and give him "alone" space. That long overdue visit with your family may be a good idea. For him it's really important to get his own kind of support. Networking with old friends and colleagues is an important step for starters. He'll be surprised how many of them have gone through similar experiences and are eager to share with him how they overcame the hurdles. Possibly there is a really good friend he could visit and spend a few days. There is nothing like a real buddy to hang with, feel the comfort of a trusted friendship and talk without feeling shame. He may wish to explore one of the outplacement firms. They have helped thousand of people in similar situation both with practical advice such as how to prepare a new CV as well as emotional counseling to get the candidates ready to interview constructive and re-enter the job market. Or join a support group. They exist in almost every community. Understand that even in a close loving relationship there are times when a wounded partner needs healing time and space and is not able to accept or give love. As he feels better about himself, I'm sure he will find his way back to himself and you. Jacqui (top) MORE RADIO SHOWS BACK TO RADIO SHOW HOME PAGE Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.