Dear Jacqui,
We celebrated our first anniversary last week. Having both been divorced, we wanted to really get to know each other well before jumping in. One of the things that made our relationship so exciting was our incredible attraction to each other. We are both highly sexual animals.

I don't know what has happened. In the last few months I've simply lost it. I have trouble getting aroused and often I am bone dry which is obvious to my husband. I'd give anything to feel like I did before. Instead, I have become anxious about not being able to respond. Even while we're making love I feel like I'm not really participating.
Janice

Dear Janice,
For most couples, a new involvement is the most exciting time of intimacy. This time of infatuation is described as "falling in love" because we literally may experience a sense of falling or floating. During this time we experience the sexual experience more vividly than any time thereafter. It's all so fresh; new, it's exciting. It's euphoria!

Often, however, these feelings are purely based on our own fantasy and preliminary first impressions. In many cases the knight in shining armor or the beautiful princess that we imagine to be the perfect mate is a mere illusion based on our unconscious desires and needs.

As time goes by and the truth about the real person is revealed to us, our feelings often go from super positive to negative, and our sexual attraction fades. How many times have you heard people say, "She or he wasn't at all what I thought." That's not the partner's problem it's yours. You conjured up a person that didn't exist. Now it's up to you to decide if there is enough value, enough good feeling in the relationship to continue or write it off as a sweet but short love affair. In your case, Janice, you've tied the knot feeling that you know your future husband well and the love between you was more than mere infatuation. So what happened?

Maybe you made a mistake and what you had between you was mostly a great sexual attraction. As you said in your letter, "we are both highly sexual animals". You don't loose being highly sexual, you loose your sexual desire and it can be due to a number of reasons:

You have fallen out of love and are no longer attracted to your partner.
You're unhappy about other issues in your life and feel depressed. Depression can eradicate any feelings of desires. You need some help to focus on what makes you unhappy.
You have a medical condition that interferes with your sexual drive. Maybe you are on some type of medication that repressed your libido. Many drugs to it, especially anti-depressants, high blood pressure medication, even the pill can have a dampening effect on your sex life.
You find after one year of marriage that you love your partner but there are many problems between you that you are unable to resolve. When your feelings are conflicted it is hard to feel sexy.

If you still love your man, then maybe there is something wrong with your expectations. You could lessen the pressure if you could accept that nothing is static in a relationship, including sexuality. Instead of worrying about what has gone wrong, concentrate on what's wonderful between you. Stay present during lovemaking. Feel his touch, his kisses, the gift of loving, moment by moment.

Breathe deeply and feel each wonderful sensation. Become an active participant again rather than a passive observer. Embrace the present rather than measuring it against sexual memories of the past. Only you know in your heart what is going on. If your feelings tell you that you still love him make every effort, including therapy, to recapture the love between you.

Many couples ready to throw in the towel have been able to work through their problems with the help of a therapist and emerged with a stronger, more loving marriage. Listen to your own feelings first. Become clear what's going on in your heart and soul. Then talk to your husband, openly, caringly and truthfully - no matter what your feelings have revealed to you.Truthfulness is a precious gift you can give yourself and your partner. It can only make your life better, even if the short-term consequences are less than ideal.

Jacqui (top)


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Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions. (more radio show links at end of article) "Even while we're making love, I feel like I'm not really participating." Very Private Radio Show December 5, 2001 Dear Jacqui, We celebrated our first anniversary last week. Having both been divorced, we wanted to really get to know each other well before jumping in. One of the things that made our relationship so exciting was our incredible attraction to each other. We are both highly sexual animals. I don't know what has happened. In the last few months I've simply lost it. I have trouble getting aroused and often I am bone dry which is obvious to my husband. I'd give anything to feel like I did before. Instead, I have become anxious about not being able to respond. Even while we're making love I feel like I'm not really participating. Janice Dear Janice, For most couples, a new involvement is the most exciting time of intimacy. This time of infatuation is described as "falling in love" because we literally may experience a sense of falling or floating. During this time we experience the sexual experience more vividly than any time thereafter. It's all so fresh; new, it's exciting. It's euphoria! Often, however, these feelings are purely based on our own fantasy and preliminary first impressions. In many cases the knight in shining armor or the beautiful princess that we imagine to be the perfect mate is a mere illusion based on our unconscious desires and needs. As time goes by and the truth about the real person is revealed to us, our feelings often go from super positive to negative, and our sexual attraction fades. How many times have you heard people say, "She or he wasn't at all what I thought." That's not the partner's problem it's yours. You conjured up a person that didn't exist. Now it's up to you to decide if there is enough value, enough good feeling in the relationship to continue or write it off as a sweet but short love affair. In your case, Janice, you've tied the knot feeling that you know your future husband well and the love between you was more than mere infatuation. So what happened? Maybe you made a mistake and what you had between you was mostly a great sexual attraction. As you said in your letter, "we are both highly sexual animals". You don't loose being highly sexual, you loose your sexual desire and it can be due to a number of reasons: You have fallen out of love and are no longer attracted to your partner. You're unhappy about other issues in your life and feel depressed. Depression can eradicate any feelings of desires. You need some help to focus on what makes you unhappy. You have a medical condition that interferes with your sexual drive. Maybe you are on some type of medication that repressed your libido. Many drugs to it, especially anti-depressants, high blood pressure medication, even the pill can have a dampening effect on your sex life. You find after one year of marriage that you love your partner but there are many problems between you that you are unable to resolve. When your feelings are conflicted it is hard to feel sexy. If you still love your man, then maybe there is something wrong with your expectations. You could lessen the pressure if you could accept that nothing is static in a relationship, including sexuality. Instead of worrying about what has gone wrong, concentrate on what's wonderful between you. Stay present during lovemaking. Feel his touch, his kisses, the gift of loving, moment by moment. Breathe deeply and feel each wonderful sensation. Become an active participant again rather than a passive observer. Embrace the present rather than measuring it against sexual memories of the past. Only you know in your heart what is going on. If your feelings tell you that you still love him make every effort, including therapy, to recapture the love between you. Many couples ready to throw in the towel have been able to work through their problems with the help of a therapist and emerged with a stronger, more loving marriage. Listen to your own feelings first. Become clear what's going on in your heart and soul. Then talk to your husband, openly, caringly and truthfully - no matter what your feelings have revealed to you.Truthfulness is a precious gift you can give yourself and your partner. It can only make your life better, even if the short-term consequences are less than ideal. Jacqui (top) BACK TO RADIO SHOW HOME PAGE (top) Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.