"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

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Dear Jacqui,
My boyfriend and I have been living in his lavish home for more than one year. The place is beautiful, everything is perfect down to the silver candlesticks on the marble fireplace mantle. Even the flowers are taken care of by a special flower service. When we first moved in together I had to give up my job as a graphic designer because we lived too far apart. I am not working now because Fred wants me to accompany him on his many business trips.

I enjoy it, but often I feel like a bird in a golden cage. Everything happens according to his agenda. I am attached to him and love him but more and more I feel that I am suffocating. I also worry increasingly what might happen if he no longer likes the arrangement! Since I'm not working I haven't been able to save any money. What should I do? Victoria

Dear Victoria,
You describe your anxieties and fears quite clearly. However, you don't mention a word about Fred's feelings toward you and your future plans. More importantly, you don't reveal anything about your inner feelings. What would you like to happen? Maybe you don't know in which case that's the number one priority to understand. Or maybe you don't feel entitled to your own agenda, which is a more serious problem to reverse.

Obviously, you still feel that the arrangement between you and Fred offers more positives than negatives. Otherwise you would have tried to negotiate a change or balked. So the issue to clarify is why you are locked-in and how to affect change, if possible. You need to focus on the reasons why this relationship is appealing, still? Does it give you a sense of security? Do you prefer giving up decision-making so you don't have to deal with everyday life struggles? Are you more connected sexually to Fred than any other man you have ever known?

Maybe giving away your power to others, specifically men, has always been your life pattern? If that is the case, I suggest some therapy may help you reverse this deeply ingrained, hurtful habit. What you describe Victoria, is a living arrangement where one partner has complete control of the relationship, at the exclusion of the other. I'm sure you recognize that it takes two to tangle. One to take control, the other agrees to give it away.

That's your current situation. Most relationships that are this one-sided eventually come to blows when one or the other partner reaches a point of no return. You seem to be the one feeling miserable enough to question if change is possible? It is always possible. We always have choices in life. But that doesn't mean that we can achieve a perfect choice.

First of all, you can affect change right now pertaining to your daily activities, specifically. Do something that makes you feel worthy. If you cannot engage in a regular job because of your travel schedule, identify design projects that you can do from anywhere via computer, phone and fax. You could become involved in charity work - goodness there are lots of organizations out there that would welcome your skills and participation. Put your energy to good use and see if you still feel caught. I doubt it.

Secondly, have you ever engaged in a meaningful discourse with Fred? Does he know how tormented you feel? Are you apprehensive to tell him because you already know he is unwilling to change? Are you afraid to ask for what you are entitled to, knowing the truth about his feelings? Would you rather not know if he really cares about you enough to make some changes in his behavior, in his routines, in his schedules to make YOU happy?

Are you important to him or merely a pleasant companion that fits conveniently in his life? Are you terrified that if you make waves he might "ditch" you and you would have to fend for yourself again? These are not easy questions to ask. But your heart knows all the right answers. Sooner or later you cannot deny your inner voice. Just remember one thing.

The person you are closest to, the person you are married to all your life is yourself. Get to know that person better. Get to understand and love and accept her. Only you own you. That's the one person you can always count on. Once you know that, making your voice heard isn't so difficult anymore. Even depending on your self can become a wonderful learning adventure rather than a fearful problem.

You might even find that by being honest with yourself and Fred, a change in the dynamics of your relationship may just happen. It is certainly worth a try. If you don't ask him, if you don't challenge him - you'll never know. Maybe Fred too is ready for a change. He who controls spends a lot of time and energy doing so. Controlling people always fear that something might happen that they don't foresee and cannot control which is very stressful. So it is hard for them to be easy, spontaneous and just live for the moment. To be in life, enjoying the journey means letting go of control. Change may be difficult to achieve, but the pay-off is a happier, more intimate life for both of you. Doesn't that seem worth the try?

Jacqui (top)

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