Dear Jacqui,
Were not yet married but clearly heading that way. We love each other and have a basically good relationship. But, when we differ on something and start discussing we always end up in a pickle. Our discussions become so darn heated, they always end up in a battle. It's as if some dark force is nudging us onto the warpath. Each time this happens we end up on different sides of the fence, hurt, angry and emotionally devastated. Each times this happens it erodes the trust and love between us. How can we avoid these horrendous tugs of war? Veronica and Henry.

Dear Veronica and Henry,
Good start, you recognize that you have the ingredients for a good relationship but your tactics to resolve divergent points of view really need improvement. Let's accept this point of departure.

What you're really saying is that you love each other and want to be committed but you don't always love and accept what the other says or does. No couple is of one mind all the time. But that doesn't mean we have to give up loving our partner. Nobody is perfect, we simply have to learn to the ways we do and say things to live with each other more harmoniously. The primary thought to focus on is our investment of love and our commitment is made in the whole person, not necessarily in all of their ideas, actions or ways of communication.

In other words, we need to separate the person we love from his and her actions or even words, at times. That means partners are allowed to make mistakes and are forgiven. Your love and commitment is not cancelled after three blunders. Mistakes can be corrected, adjusted, love endures. You should both understand this reassuring fact fully. Learning how to avoid the techniques that will keep you out of the red zone during discussions where you represent opposite points of view is your next charter. If your starting posture is to win the argument -- you have already lost.

The Western paradigm of "winning" doesn't work in a relationship. You want to find a way to a win-win position, you want to become closer and more connected through dialogue - not further distanced. So you need to establish ground rules before rushing into the discussion.

If the argument erupts spontaneously -- either of you should call time out! This gives you time to take a deep breath, check in with yourselves and focus on examining your intent. What is it that you really want to say and how can you find a way to resolve your issues? Be creative, be flexible and be accepting. Avoid accusations at all cost. Talk in "I" terms, avoid "you" blames. Try opening the discussion by assuring each other that you both want find a way to resolve your problem so you both can feel ok about it, maybe not elated, but ok.

In some situations, when you sense that your emotional barometer is close to the boiling point it is preferable to defer the time of discussion till both of you have simmered down. If that's the case agree on a time that you will revisit the subject, in an hour, in a day. Whatever time is comfortable so you can start with positive emotions and a willingness to attain resolution together.

The concept of consensus building is well accepted in Japan and other places in the East. It is a known and excellent tool to resolve conflict. It works in business and private life. Nobody wins, nobody looses. Both parties consider a problem from different points of view and keep proposing alternatives until a solution is found that's a win for everybody involved. Sometimes it's a compromise for all involved; often a totally new idea emerges.

Here's an example of consensus building.

A couple moved to a new city with their two children who required to be enrolled in a new school. The mother, being Catholic, wanted them to go to a Catholic School. The father felt strongly that this kind of education was too narrow.

They resolved this pivotal issue by enrolling the kids in an international school and having them participate in a Catholic youth group to expose them to religious values on a weekly basis.

End result: everybody gained.

Being able to resolve your opposing points of view not only strengthens the relationship and creates trust, it makes you grow as an individual and feel better about yourself and each other.

Jacqui


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Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions. (more radio show links at end of article) "Everytime we disagree its War!" Very Private Radio Show January 30, 2002 & December 12, 2001 Dear Jacqui, Were not yet married but clearly heading that way. We love each other and have a basically good relationship. But, when we differ on something and start discussing we always end up in a pickle. Our discussions become so darn heated, they always end up in a battle. It's as if some dark force is nudging us onto the warpath. Each time this happens we end up on different sides of the fence, hurt, angry and emotionally devastated. Each times this happens it erodes the trust and love between us. How can we avoid these horrendous tugs of war? Veronica and Henry. Dear Veronica and Henry, Good start, you recognize that you have the ingredients for a good relationship but your tactics to resolve divergent points of view really need improvement. Let's accept this point of departure. What you're really saying is that you love each other and want to be committed but you don't always love and accept what the other says or does. No couple is of one mind all the time. But that doesn't mean we have to give up loving our partner. Nobody is perfect, we simply have to learn to the ways we do and say things to live with each other more harmoniously. The primary thought to focus on is our investment of love and our commitment is made in the whole person, not necessarily in all of their ideas, actions or ways of communication. In other words, we need to separate the person we love from his and her actions or even words, at times. That means partners are allowed to make mistakes and are forgiven. Your love and commitment is not cancelled after three blunders. Mistakes can be corrected, adjusted, love endures. You should both understand this reassuring fact fully. Learning how to avoid the techniques that will keep you out of the red zone during discussions where you represent opposite points of view is your next charter. If your starting posture is to win the argument -- you have already lost. The Western paradigm of "winning" doesn't work in a relationship. You want to find a way to a win-win position, you want to become closer and more connected through dialogue - not further distanced. So you need to establish ground rules before rushing into the discussion. If the argument erupts spontaneously -- either of you should call time out! This gives you time to take a deep breath, check in with yourselves and focus on examining your intent. What is it that you really want to say and how can you find a way to resolve your issues? Be creative, be flexible and be accepting. Avoid accusations at all cost. Talk in "I" terms, avoid "you" blames. Try opening the discussion by assuring each other that you both want find a way to resolve your problem so you both can feel ok about it, maybe not elated, but ok. In some situations, when you sense that your emotional barometer is close to the boiling point it is preferable to defer the time of discussion till both of you have simmered down. If that's the case agree on a time that you will revisit the subject, in an hour, in a day. Whatever time is comfortable so you can start with positive emotions and a willingness to attain resolution together. The concept of consensus building is well accepted in Japan and other places in the East. It is a known and excellent tool to resolve conflict. It works in business and private life. Nobody wins, nobody looses. Both parties consider a problem from different points of view and keep proposing alternatives until a solution is found that's a win for everybody involved. Sometimes it's a compromise for all involved; often a totally new idea emerges. Here's an example of consensus building. A couple moved to a new city with their two children who required to be enrolled in a new school. The mother, being Catholic, wanted them to go to a Catholic School. The father felt strongly that this kind of education was too narrow. They resolved this pivotal issue by enrolling the kids in an international school and having them participate in a Catholic youth group to expose them to religious values on a weekly basis. End result: everybody gained. Being able to resolve your opposing points of view not only strengthens the relationship and creates trust, it makes you grow as an individual and feel better about yourself and each other. Jacqui BACK TO RADIO SHOW HOME PAGE (top) Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.