Dear Jacqui,
I have known Chris for eight months and we have spent a lot of time together, and I mean a lot of time talking. Both of us were married before, both of us have been single for a while and both of us have made a comfortable and good life for ourselves. So we're not coming from need. We have decided to move in together. It's a little scary and we'd like to avoid the classical pitfalls. Can you give us some guidelines what to look out for, what to consider, what to avoid? Emily and Chris.

Dear Emily and Chris,
This is a big subject, and I would like to break it down into three sections:

Part I: Whose Place: His, Hers or a new place?:

Establish a "make my partner comfortable" discussion and find out how to accommodate the other's needs in your place, or how to divide up the new place. Establish a decorating or redecorating, upgrading budgets for repairs, enlargements, new shelves, new furniture, etc. according to your agreement. Create a timetable. He's a big guy and he needs a large couch to support his long legs, such as a big manly easy chair to sink into. You're not quite striking 5 feet 6 inches and feel most comfortable in a smallish chair with back support. When you sit back on his couch your legs end up in the air, dangling. He reads in his easy chair with a side lamp and halogen lamp, you wear lenses and hate lights that are too intense.

He is always hot and the air-conditioning is going in his home all the time. You're generally cool, how can you find the right ambient temperature, how do you listen to music and what music do you like and when, how do you get up? Slowly, your body and mind machine likes to take lots of time or out you out of bed and into the shower like a pistol? Visit each other's place and explain how you live, photograph each other's place so you can think about how to accommodate your partner. Make decisions on changes together and feel good about them.

Work through the inner feelings of physical changes even small ones and come to terms with it, do you feel annoyed about them or can you feel excited about changing, about having a new adventure even in your own home. What if you absolutely hate one of his paintings? Be open, both of you can have a pet peeve list. What are your breakfast and dinner habits, time, or preference for eating indoors or out? Cooking at home or eating out, having your main meal at night or at lunch? Create the "MY Daily Rhythm" list and compare it. It's usually the darn little daily habits things that trip you up.

Part II: Emotional Hurdles:

Giving up and gaining, new identity, what makes you feel comfortable about your home. What makes you a little uneasy? Understand how you live, think about it, go through a day and jot down exactly what you do usually, what is a comforting routine to you. Do it for weekdays and weekends. Compare your daily rhythm schedules. See how to accommodate each other. Some people like to be very quiet over breakfast and read the paper. Some can't wait to get going, some are slow. Explain who you are.

Part III: Practical Issues:

Establish a common budget based on your individual experience and be sure to list all individual expenses and common expenses and how you wish to handle them. Any solution is valid as long as it makes sense and feels right to both of you. Consider tax issues, legal issues, times when separating your monies may be more difficult such as during vacations and on trips. Be sure to discuss these issues in great detail and maybe even summarize them in writing so as not to be confused.

Work issues: When he or you have to find acceptable solutions because of work requirements. Try to explain those so both of you understand the issues such as sales meetings away from home and occasional night work.

Jacqui (top)


The Very Private Moments Radio Show. Dating, Love, & Relationships If you can't find an answer to your specific question, please feel free to e-mail us at: info@veryprivate.com, thank you.

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Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions. (more radio show links at end of article) "Moving in Together, part I" August 8, 2001 Radio Show Dear Jacqui, I have known Chris for eight months and we have spent a lot of time together, and I mean a lot of time talking. Both of us were married before, both of us have been single for a while and both of us have made a comfortable and good life for ourselves. So we're not coming from need. We have decided to move in together. It's a little scary and we'd like to avoid the classical pitfalls. Can you give us some guidelines what to look out for, what to consider, what to avoid? Emily and Chris. Dear Emily and Chris, This is a big subject, and I would like to break it down into three sections: Part I: Whose Place: His, Hers or a new place?: Establish a "make my partner comfortable" discussion and find out how to accommodate the other's needs in your place, or how to divide up the new place. Establish a decorating or redecorating, upgrading budgets for repairs, enlargements, new shelves, new furniture, etc. according to your agreement. Create a timetable. He's a big guy and he needs a large couch to support his long legs, such as a big manly easy chair to sink into. You're not quite striking 5 feet 6 inches and feel most comfortable in a smallish chair with back support. When you sit back on his couch your legs end up in the air, dangling. He reads in his easy chair with a side lamp and halogen lamp, you wear lenses and hate lights that are too intense. He is always hot and the air-conditioning is going in his home all the time. You're generally cool, how can you find the right ambient temperature, how do you listen to music and what music do you like and when, how do you get up? Slowly, your body and mind machine likes to take lots of time or out you out of bed and into the shower like a pistol? Visit each other's place and explain how you live, photograph each other's place so you can think about how to accommodate your partner. Make decisions on changes together and feel good about them. Work through the inner feelings of physical changes even small ones and come to terms with it, do you feel annoyed about them or can you feel excited about changing, about having a new adventure even in your own home. What if you absolutely hate one of his paintings? Be open, both of you can have a pet peeve list. What are your breakfast and dinner habits, time, or preference for eating indoors or out? Cooking at home or eating out, having your main meal at night or at lunch? Create the "MY Daily Rhythm" list and compare it. It's usually the darn little daily habits things that trip you up. Part II: Emotional Hurdles: Giving up and gaining, new identity, what makes you feel comfortable about your home. What makes you a little uneasy? Understand how you live, think about it, go through a day and jot down exactly what you do usually, what is a comforting routine to you. Do it for weekdays and weekends. Compare your daily rhythm schedules. See how to accommodate each other. Some people like to be very quiet over breakfast and read the paper. Some can't wait to get going, some are slow. Explain who you are. Part III: Practical Issues: Establish a common budget based on your individual experience and be sure to list all individual expenses and common expenses and how you wish to handle them. Any solution is valid as long as it makes sense and feels right to both of you. Consider tax issues, legal issues, times when separating your monies may be more difficult such as during vacations and on trips. Be sure to discuss these issues in great detail and maybe even summarize them in writing so as not to be confused. Work issues: When he or you have to find acceptable solutions because of work requirements. Try to explain those so both of you understand the issues such as sales meetings away from home and occasional night work. Jacqui (top) BACK TO RADIO SHOW HOME PAGE Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.