Dear Jacqui,
I am in a relationship with a woman I have known for four years. At first we were very good friends and still are. She was always the one I could go to with my problems. But now we are intimate and I feel she is the one for me. I have never felt this way about anybody before. I love her so much and would like to know is she reciprocates my feelings. I am just not sure about her signals. I am scared to ask and afraid of rejection. I don't want to loose her by asking. What should I do? Kyle

Dear Kyle,
There are quite a few issues commingled in your "rejection bundle". First of, let's examine what rejection is. This generally accepted term is really a cover up for a much deeper issues called fear. Kyle, what is the worst thing that could happen if you told her about your feelings? Would she run out of the room, screaming? Send you away and never talk to you again? Unlikely.

Most likely one of the following scenarios would happen: She could say that she cares for you but isn't quite ready for a commitment to you or anybody else. What is going on in her life is the key to her answer and that may or may not have anything to do with you at all. Maybe she is involved in her career and wants to reach a certain objective and goal she has set in her mind before committing ultimately to a relationship. So you're simply on different time tracks and may or may not be able to accommodate each other.

Maybe she is simply not sure how she feels, sometimes close to you and sometimes not at all because she is puzzled by your hesitant behavior and lack of communication. Maybe she would like the man in her life to be more assertive. You say you always could go to her with your problems. Can she come to you and expect help and support from you? Maybe she would admit that she is in deep like with you, but not in love. And, possibly she might just answer that she reciprocates your feelings and can see a future together if you work certain things out.

Kyle, you are in a relationship since four years. Inherent in the word relationship is the word "relate". Relating is not a one sided business, it is based on ongoing, open and frank communication every single day. Relating is not playing guessing games. A relationship is not a riddle without answers. It is being in touch with each other's feelings every single day.

This means each of you has to sit back, quietly, and listen to your own feelings first and gain some clarity about yourself. Listen what your feelings are saying and then have the courage and honesty to share with your partner what's going on in your heart and soul. If we don't allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open up to each other we will not be able to experience deep love.

Love and intimacy are based on the ability to share with your partner matters that touch us deeply. That is the secret of bonding. So review in your mind what goes on when you and your lady are together? What signals does she send you that make you hesitant and passive? Maybe the mixed signals coming from her, one day positive the next day keeping you at bay are simply there because she is not clear about you and your feelings.

How could she be, you've never told her. What is it in you that makes you feel you have no right to ask questions that are central to the relationship, especially since you've been together for years? Why do you not feel entitled to know what your partner feels for you? You're not a child anymore. You don't have to wait till someone gives you permission to ask.

If the simple act of admitting your wonderful feelings to your love will cause her to leave he relationship, then how good was the union to begin with? If she is indeed your friend, she will respond to emotional honesty. If she loves you, she loves you. You're asking will not change those facts; just document the way you both look at them.

Jacqui (top)


The Very Private Moments Radio Show. Dating, Love, & Relationships If you can't find an answer to your specific question, please feel free to e-mail us at: info@veryprivate.com, thank you.

Radio Show Wednesdays, about: 4:15 PM, Pacific Time 7:15 PM, Eastern Time
		"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

	CLICK ON KVTA TO LISTEN Listen live Button on right-hand side of radio show page
Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions. (more radio show links at end of article) "I'm scared to ask if she loves me because I'm afraid of rejection" August 29, 2001 Radio Show Dear Jacqui, I am in a relationship with a woman I have known for four years. At first we were very good friends and still are. She was always the one I could go to with my problems. But now we are intimate and I feel she is the one for me. I have never felt this way about anybody before. I love her so much and would like to know is she reciprocates my feelings. I am just not sure about her signals. I am scared to ask and afraid of rejection. I don't want to loose her by asking. What should I do? Kyle Dear Kyle, There are quite a few issues commingled in your "rejection bundle". First of, let's examine what rejection is. This generally accepted term is really a cover up for a much deeper issues called fear. Kyle, what is the worst thing that could happen if you told her about your feelings? Would she run out of the room, screaming? Send you away and never talk to you again? Unlikely. Most likely one of the following scenarios would happen: She could say that she cares for you but isn't quite ready for a commitment to you or anybody else. What is going on in her life is the key to her answer and that may or may not have anything to do with you at all. Maybe she is involved in her career and wants to reach a certain objective and goal she has set in her mind before committing ultimately to a relationship. So you're simply on different time tracks and may or may not be able to accommodate each other. Maybe she is simply not sure how she feels, sometimes close to you and sometimes not at all because she is puzzled by your hesitant behavior and lack of communication. Maybe she would like the man in her life to be more assertive. You say you always could go to her with your problems. Can she come to you and expect help and support from you? Maybe she would admit that she is in deep like with you, but not in love. And, possibly she might just answer that she reciprocates your feelings and can see a future together if you work certain things out. Kyle, you are in a relationship since four years. Inherent in the word relationship is the word "relate". Relating is not a one sided business, it is based on ongoing, open and frank communication every single day. Relating is not playing guessing games. A relationship is not a riddle without answers. It is being in touch with each other's feelings every single day. This means each of you has to sit back, quietly, and listen to your own feelings first and gain some clarity about yourself. Listen what your feelings are saying and then have the courage and honesty to share with your partner what's going on in your heart and soul. If we don't allow ourselves to be vulnerable and open up to each other we will not be able to experience deep love. Love and intimacy are based on the ability to share with your partner matters that touch us deeply. That is the secret of bonding. So review in your mind what goes on when you and your lady are together? What signals does she send you that make you hesitant and passive? Maybe the mixed signals coming from her, one day positive the next day keeping you at bay are simply there because she is not clear about you and your feelings. How could she be, you've never told her. What is it in you that makes you feel you have no right to ask questions that are central to the relationship, especially since you've been together for years? Why do you not feel entitled to know what your partner feels for you? You're not a child anymore. You don't have to wait till someone gives you permission to ask. If the simple act of admitting your wonderful feelings to your love will cause her to leave he relationship, then how good was the union to begin with? If she is indeed your friend, she will respond to emotional honesty. If she loves you, she loves you. You're asking will not change those facts; just document the way you both look at them. Jacqui (top) BACK TO RADIO SHOW HOME PAGE Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.