"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

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In my last column we dealt with the location issues: his or your place, or a new place, - furniture, closets, all of the practical and "spatial" considerations that should be made before setting up home together. Because it's such an important subject, I'm devoting this column to two other aspects of co-habitation - lifestyle differences and money matters.

Learn about each other's lifestyles: Understand how you live. Each should create a "mirror of your daily life" document and compare it.

• What are your eating habits?
• Do you take breakfast on the run or like to have a leisurely cup of coffee with your morning paper?
• How much time do you spend in the bathroom in case you share?
• Are you an early bird or night owl?
• Do you like to read or watch television in bed? Do you do your weekly chores on the weekend?
• How and when do you unwind?
• Do you work late occasionally or often?
• Do you attend an extension class; belong to clubs or committees that meet regularly?
• Describe your typical daily and weekend, so you can develop a basic program to suit both of you.

Discuss details, even trivial ones. It's usually the little things that trip couples up. Will you need outside help for household chores or how will you share them? If you hate vacuuming, you may find that your partner doesn't mind as long as you take over laundry, which he can't stand doing.

Merging your Money: The other necessary evil that can upset the most blissful domestic union is money. When you live with someone, you inevitably come upon the issue "who pays for what?" It is essential to have real clarity about money issues to avoid misunderstandings later. Sharing the moving budget and chores:

• Who does the packing and moving, arranges for new keys?
• How do you share the expenses connected with you're your relocating?

Let's assume you are moving into his place because it's large enough for the two of you. You've agreed to convert his guest room into your home office. Pictures of his sport heroes come down, the twin beds go. The room needs a repaint. Your desk and shelves move in and you need to buy a sleeper couch to accommodate future guests. Decisions, decisions about who takes care of what and how to divide the additional expenses?

• Will you both be on the lease, mortgage?
• If one of you is selling their place, be clear about what happens to the profit.
• Joint or individual?
• Decide how you'll share the rent, mortgage, property insurance.
• Will you have a joint bank account or credit card?

Take into consideration any income differences and come up with a plan that seems fair and comfortable to both of you. Create your own budget for items each of you may want outside of daily living; clothes, beauty, special activities.

Think about your own money issues before discussing joint decisions: how much you can you spend monthly and/or wish to save to feel comfortable? It is not a bad idea to put your joint solutions in writing to avoid misinterpretations. If you live together for two years, in some states this is considered a common law marriage. Do you need legal protection? Will there be co-mingling of assets, tax considerations? Any solution right as long as it makes sense and feels comfortable to both of you.

Finally, understand that these are not easy issues to discuss for anybody. To work through them may create some anxiety and even stressful moments. But this very process will demonstrate how well you can handle problem solving together. If you can get through this process feeling good about each other, it bodes well for happy togetherness.

Jacqui (top)

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