"Love is not about needing, it's about desire" Jacqui

Q & A: Get personal answers about your physical or emotional intimacy and relationship problems. By submitting your question or letter, or by reading or using the Very Private web site, you grant Very Private full complete rights to its use and contents and agree and approve to the Terms and Conditions.

Dear Jacqui,
I'm divorced for seven years and have been the single supporter of my teenage daughter and myself. Frankly, it has been a very difficult time beyond worrying how to make ends meet every month. Suddenly life is offering me a great opportunity. The man I have been dating for less than a year has suggested that we get engaged during the upcoming holidays. I like him enormously. That I know for sure. What I'm not sure about is if I love him.

As of late we have spent some weekends together but that's not real everyday life. Max has shown me more kindness than any man I've ever known and has been very generous to both of us. He is the owner of a successful business and can offer us a wonderful life. My girlfriends tell me to grab him. Does that mean I settle for money? Why am I torn? Silvia

Dear Silvia,
Contemplating a life partner for a man or a woman is next to impossible unless you have some fundamental knowledge about yourself. It seems to me that you are not asking yourself the right questions. You're not asking what it is you need and want to be happy. Most probably when dealing with all kind of adversity you have not taken the time to consider these core issues of life. I suggest you to sit back and check in with your feelings. Spend some real quiet time with yourself before contemplating spending a lifetime with someone else.

Once you become clear what it is that makes you happy and content, it will be apparent to you if Max is the right choice. When you listen to your inner voice try to be excruciatingly honest with yourself. No answer is the wrong answer as long as it reflects your true feelings. Having enough money to feel secure may be part of your list, and there is nothing wrong with it.

Your self-evaluation may reveal practical and emotional requirements. It is essential to know what they are to guide your life. It is also the most important knowledge for future mates to share. How can you make each other happy if neither of you understands your needs and desires. Finally, have you ever contemplated what love is? Not "falling in love" which is the euphoric feeling that many people only experience in the beginning of a new relationship.

For each person love means something different; trusting each other completely, being best friends, having common interests, enjoying each other's company, desiring each other sexually, missing each other when apart, looking forward to seeing each other, sharing intimacy in and out of bed, these are some of the dynamics of love.

Is your life enriched by the presence of the other? Will you grow as an individual when sharing life with your partner? If you can answer these questions affirmatively there is a good chance that Max may be a wonderful life choice and looking forward to being together. It might be a good idea to share a continuous time together; maybe you can take leave or spend a long vacation time together, so you can get a feeling about daily life with each other.

I suggest you tell Max that you feel special and honored about his proposal. Ask him to give you a little time to sort out some issues about your own life so you can make this most important decision with complete confidence and full commitment.

Jacqui (top)

Thank you for your trust. Copyright 2002 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.