For a happier, more intimate relationship.

On a recent Sunday a gaggle of my friends and I discussed what is the most important ingredient in finding a new partner. The votes came down on both sides of the issue. Jo, a successful wine importer was adamant “ If there’s no chemistry, forget it. I have plenty of friends. I don’t need a new friend, I am looking for a new life partner. That’s why I suggest to any new potential date to meet me over a cup of coffee. It’s obvious to me in no time at all if that magic ingredient is there or not. Before I finish my “latte” I know if I would like to take the next step or say good-bye. Others disagreed. Wendy, a graphic designer, twice divorced and now happily remarried said that she and her husband were simply great friends for more than a year at which time they both began to realize how close they had become and that their relationship had blossomed into love. “My first two marriages started with great instant attraction that seemed to overshadow all other consideration. We really had no basis for building a solid relationship”. Several agreed that if there is no probability for two potential partners to become real and intimate friends first, the chance for developing a lasting relationship was pretty low. “After all”, one interjected, “you have to like a person first before you can love that individual. And I mean love, not infatuations.” There is a time for sexual madness but, being over forty, most agreed, is not about wanting a great weekend but building a loving relationship that won’t end.

We researched various singles surveys for men and women and learned that at least half of all singles in the over forty category seek a relationship to find a partner to do things with: go to the movies, travel, talk to, share meals together. It is above all the friendship connection that makes life more fun and more meaningful to them. When we looked at sexual practices among the boomer set we find that a very high percentage of both single women and men had no sexual activity at all for many months. So how important is “good sex” in a mature relationship? Is it really the important building stone, the mortar that makes relationships stick, as is often stated?

An article published in the Los Angeles Times, authored by Kathleen Kelleher says” The chance of a first marriage ending in divorce over a forty-year period is 67%. Half of these divorces occur in the first seven years of marriage.” And, few will be surprised to learn that the majority of second marriages don’t last either. So what’s missing? A new book “Another Chance for Love” – Finding a Partner Later in Life by Sol Gordon Ph.D., longtime relationship expert strongly suggests that developing a strong, intimate friendship before romance is a key to building a lasting relationship. He says “ what does matter is the active pursuit of closeness to another person and making the effort to enrich your life through self-development. It is about finding your way to a best friend first, which may then evolve into a love relationship, marriage, or committed friendship.”

There are no absolute answers. The ingredients required for building a lasting love or intimate friendship are really quite similar. Both blossom when we are able to communicate openly and honestly, when we share values and common interests, have realistic expectations, pursue a similar lifestyle and learn to respect and trust each other. More than anything, these are essential in finding the gift of friendship or love.

June 2004
What is intimacy?

May 2004
Chemistry?

April 2004
She just kept spending and i didn't put my foot down

March 2004
What men would like you to know but don't dare talk about

February 2004
Overcoming the fear of loving?

January 2004
Age difference - can it work?

December 2003
The fifteen minutes love investment plan

July 2003
The fifteen minutes love investment plan

June 2003
Falling in love - the unconscious did it

May 2003
Couples and Intimacy - the Basics!

April 2003
43% of American women are sexually dysfunctional? Hype or Reality?

March 2003
How to reconnect when suddenly single at age 50,because of divorce or widowhood?

February 2003
When "if'" onlys stands in the way of love.

January 2003
The Knight to solve your relationship problems is in your heart.

December 2002
How Can I get him to act?

November 2002
Winning against yourself

October 2002
Recapture health & energy

September 2002
I'm terrified of getting hurt again

August 2002
Low self-esteem, is there a way I can change?

July 2002
Stop the hurting and start the loving

June 2002
The Cat or Me?

May 2002
A female co-worker is edging in on our marriage

April 2002
He lost his job and takes it out on me.

March 2002
Turf issues: Old friends vs. a new partner.

February 2002:
If I say yes, does it mean I settle for money?

January 2002
Sign here for a happier life.

December 2001
Give each other the gift of good communication.

November 2001
Turning negative fear into positive energy.

October 2001
What's essential to make a relationship work?

September 2001
My husband say's UV rays can cause considerable eye damage.

August 2001
His jealousy is causing a lot of tension and I'm very concerned about losing him.

July 2001
How to put romance into your vacation.