Dear Jacqui,
My wife and I had a very active and wonderful intimate life before our marriage and for some time thereafter. Then came the kids. Then came the end of lovemaking. Hugging, kissing, it hardly ever happens. She simply lost interest. I don't want to see this marriage go down. I try my best. I share in all the chores. I want to make it work but I'm stomped. What's essential to make a relationship work? Please help. Vic.

Dear Marianne,
It's amazing how little time men and women put into their marriage. If we put as little consideration and focus into our jobs - we'd be fired. You seem to be the exception. So for you and everyone else who is in a relationship that's gone flat, here are my five essentials for making a relationship loving and enduring:

1) Couples don't just happen.They are made of two unique individuals who need to actively participate every day in growing closer together through knowledge, through communication, through reinforcing each other, through loving and trusting.

2) Each individual is unique. Each has experiences, beliefs, a specific sexual style, living habits and values that color that person's feelings about everything that happens. It is essential to be in touch with our own feelings, to know what's going on with ourselves so we have a basis to communicate openly and constructively with our partner who is our friend, not our opponent. It is equally important to consider the other's point of with an open mind and heart and find a constructive solution together. In a relationship, that's winning.

3) We have to have "me-time" and "couple time" and neglect neither. Daily, weekly, couple time is essential and will not happen unless we plan it. Sometimes we need to take a couple break, away from children, work, all the pressures that come between us to rekindle our alliance, to rediscover laughter, playful sexuality and the joy of being together.

4) Romantic love is not enough to sustain a committed relationship. We need to build deep trust, develop intimacy and learn to accept our partner who undoubtedly has weaknesses and strengths, just as we do. If we cannot respect and love the real person, not some fantasy lover she or he never was or will be, we don't have a chance for happiness together.

5) We need to develop and maintain an enjoyable, satisfying sexual relationship. Great intimacy is based on open communication, to really let each other know what makes you happy. Don't be shy about details. Tell your partner just how and where you want to be touched, stroked or kissed. Loving, frank discussions about intimacy never drive partners apart, silence does. Sexuality does not go stale by itself. Partners let it go flat and that has a dynamic negative effect on the relationship.

On the other hand, if we stay interested, engaged and make time to learn about sex and pleasing each other, the bond of intimacy and love can grow forever.

Jacqui

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