Can we make it happen? Must it be there from the beginning? Can we recoup it?

When meeting a person for the first time we have various reactions. If this person is a potential love object, the situation has completely different meaning to us. What does our subconscious signal? The limbic brain is the storehouse of our emotional knowledge and experiences. That’s where the instant verdict, yes, no or maybe is initiated. On rare occasion we may experience a jolt of positive feelings. Struck by this powerful emotion, we have a sense of recognition “ I found my soul-mate, we have chemistry!”

Psychologists and scientists probing the brain and the psyche tell us that the most powerful ingredient in being attracted or not is our own emotional blueprint that reflects the love relationship we experienced as babies with our primary caretakers. As grown-ups we seem to be magnetically attracted to people that have similar traits as our first love partners, usually our parents.
Another powerful driver in making a connection is newness itself. Unknown love candidates look promising because we super-impose our own fantasies on them for lack of knowing them. As reality begins to replace fantasy the chemistry often evaporates. Sometimes recognition of having made a wrong judgment comes quickly. Sometimes it takes years to realize that our relationship is built on illusions. By then people are married, unhappy, and feeling caught. What happened they wonder? The argument that the other partner has changed radically is a common answer. The more likely fact is that our perception of our partner has changed. Living with a real person is not living out a fantasy. This is a critical turning point in a relationship. Can we accept the real person or prefer deceiving ourselves? Can we focus on what’s wonderful and positive about our partner and build from there, or keep blaming the other and drift further apart? Taking responsibility rather than feeling cheated is the only way we can redirect our lives and hope to establish a good relationship with our current or any other partner. That means achieving harmony with ourselves and each other. Instant chemistry is just an invitation to dance. Then we have to learn to work the dance floor together and not step on each other’s toes.
“It clicked” is not the whole story. There is much to be said for gradual discovery. Many couples were long-time friends before suddenly looking at each other starry eyed and flying into each other’s arms? Friendship turned into love chemistry when the knowledge of each other reached a deep level of trust and comfort.

Throughout history people believed in potions and aphrodisiacs to help ignite love and desire. Nothing makes us more alive, feeling more unique, more special than being desired by the partner whose feelings we reciprocate. Sparks are short lived. What sparks can ignite is a love that goes on and deepens, nurtured by trust, by gentle gestures, by daily real communication, by caring and supportive words, by listening, by being there for each other, by both partners wanting to build a loving life together. Giving a little good stuff straight from your heart daily makes chemistry work.

Jacqui

June 2001
Ten good minutes daily equals a closer relationship.

May 2001
My wife's doctor never mentioned the risks in taking estrogen!

April 2001
I can't keep up and he feels cheated. Shouldn't a 64 year old male be slowing down?

March 2001
He admitted he still loved his ex, but wasn't "in love" with her.

February 2001
Even while we're making love I feel like I'm not really participating.

January 2001
Lack of staying power can it be helped?

December 2000
A Holiday Gift: Less Stress, More Joy.

October 1999
I'm fifty-six years old and still suffer from minor menopause symptoms.