Old friends vs. a new partner."
Dear Jacqui,
A few months I met a man who is very special to me. We are in a committed relationship and have established a home together. This caused a lot of tensions between my new life partner and several of my good friends. It is particularly painful to me that my relationship with my two best male friends, neither of whom I ever dated, has soured badly.
Also some of my close women friends are acting as if I have betrayed them. I love my new partner and am committed to the life we're building. I also love my friends and don't want to loose them. What can I do? Erin
Dear Erin,
Each of your friends has established a bond with you and invested a great many feelings in your relationship. Suddenly they realize that this is about to change. Their reactions are directly tied to how they deal with change. Many people fear it, afraid of loosing your love, your friendship, and your availability.
Some welcome it and see it as a new opportunity. Others have a cautious wait and see attitude. Don't force the issue. You cannot expect all your old friends to embrace your new partner or your new man to like each of them. As you meet his friends you too may have mixed reactions.
Your male friends specifically may experience some competitive feelings. Somebody new has taken the place of "most important" in your life. In many cases initial adversity can turn into real friendships.You can help the process by having a good conversation with each of your friends. They need to understand clearly how you feel about your new man.
They also want reassurance that your future relationship with them will continue. Assure them how important they are in your life, even though you now have a new love. It's a wonderful opportunity to thank them for being your friend. Given the opportunity, I bet most of your friends will wish to participate in your new happiness.
If it happens that your new man and an old friend don't mesh or if you can't warm up to one of his buddies you both must have tolerance. Neither of you should resent that you wish to continue that relationship on your own. It's ok to have non-couple friends. Being a couple doesn't mean that you have to share everything.
Just be sure to talk about it openly so it doesn't become a divisive issue. Your individuality is what attracted you to each other. You can be yourself and be a couple. It can be the most enriching and enlarging experience -- in love, friendship and life.
Jacqui
E-mail Jacqui your question to Jacqui at info@veryprivate.com or regular mail: PO Box 491341, Los Angeles, CA 90049. Visit: www.veryprivate.com. We never reveal or give out names or addresses. © 2003 Brandwynne Corp. All rights reserved.
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