For a happier, more intimate relationship.

“We have been together for two years. We’ve both had previous marriages. She is a widow. I’m divorced. We’re getting along fine, sex is good, we even watch football together on Monday night, yet she is constantly nagging that I’m not intimate. What does she want? What is this intimacy thing? I’m completely in the dark.”

Questions like these cross my desk often. Generally, woman complain about lack of intimacy, whereas men voice unhappiness in more general terms or simply drift out of the relationship without saying anything at all. What seems clear is that love seekers of all ages keep switching partners, hoping to find that elusive quality that’s lacking in their lives, so they no longer feel lonely, disconnected and unfulfilled? Often they go for sex that is readily available, but is frequently a purely physical experience producing instant gratification, yet lacking intimacy. Intimacy takes time to develop. It’s a sharing that involves not just the body but all of our senses; our emotional being, our intellectual contribution, our spiritual beliefs, even our social actions are part of creating an intimate life with a partner. As we share more intimate feelings, we become closer. Once we muster up the courage to be open and close we feel more vulnerable because most of us who have been in a love relationship have experienced the pain it can cause. While we seek closeness, we are also afraid of being hurt again. Consequently many people put up emotional walls and retreat, closing the door to love and intimacy.
How can we develop a feeling of belonging and being ultimately connected with our partner? We can build intimacy by sharing thoughts and admissions we wouldn’t want to share with anybody but that special person we grow to love and trust. Intimacy is finding the time to be idle together. Sharing a memory and talking from the heart. Holding hands in the movies. Kissing your loved one unexpectedly, touching, being tuned into each other’s feelings. I know a couple that sets aside time to catching up over a glass of wine or a cup of tea daily. They perform this ritual every evening, going for a walk or settling down at home, lighting candles, putting on music and just enjoying being with each other rather than doing.

The word relationship incorporates the word relating. When couples watch football together they relate more with the action, a great pass, a tough tackle rather than each other. When partners share activities, the focus is on exercise or another external stimulation. Doing together is important and fun. Being together is about our internal selves, sharing our thoughts, our feelings, our words, all of which brings us closer.

A woman who has been married happily for twenty years admits “Sometimes, in the midst of a conversation with others, I feel incredibly close to my husband. I know just what he is going to say before he says it, and it makes my heart smile. The intimacy between us is incredible.”
A man friend tells me “I go crazy when she crinkles her nose like a bunny. She did that the day we met a lifetime ago, and it still gets me.”
That’s intimacy.

Jacqui

June 2004
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