For a happier, more intimate relationship.

Candace met Alvin in Chicago while visiting friends. The two divorcees had dinner twice. They both felt attracted and liked each other and went to see a show on a third date. From the beginning Candace was bothered by Alvin’s somewhat crass language and pushy style, telling her he would love to jump on her bones on their second date. She chose not to comment since Alvin was also interesting, very successful and had great charm. After her return e-mails zipped back and forth, and the phones kept buzzing. Alvin kept discussing his sexual expectations. Candace kept ignoring to say that she felt pressured. When Alvin unveiled his plan to visit her in San Diego, Candace panicked. She said “great, I can’t wait to see you.” But two days later she invented an “illness in the family excuse” to avoid his visit and then dropped communication, unable to confront the issues.
Clearly Candace has no idea how to set boundaries. She doesn’t feel entitled to express her feelings. Caught between two fears, facing the issues or risking to turn Alvin off, she doomed the relationship by her decision. So they both lost out.
Alvin may have believed that she welcomed his sexual approaches. We’ll never know if this was a classic case of bullying a submissive partner? Possibly. Those kind of relationships usually end unhappily. Bullies don’t respect the ones they push around. Submitting to sex when it is unwanted cannot possibly feel good. Faking doesn’t work in any relationship. It is essential to be open and share real feelings to fully participate in the intimate experience, to establish a bond of friendship, trust and enduring love. For Candace and Alvin to have a chance is to go forward with integrity. What would have happened if she had admitted her feelings? What if her letter might have read:
Dear Alvin,
I loved each of our three evenings together. I find you to be an attractive, intelligent and dynamic man and would like to explore this budding relationship further.
However, I am a bit taken aback at your forceful sexual propositioning. I assume that this might have worked with other women. Obviously, you can’t know me very well. Sexuality for me is deeply and intricately connected to being emotionally connected, to feel close and trusting of my partner and enjoying an exclusive relationship. These things don’t happen overnight, and in my life they haven’t happened often.

I am sending you this note before your visit to San Diego. I am excited about it. It gives us both a chance to get to know each other better. I take emotions very seriously and do not play with other people’s feelings. So I prefer to tell you just how I feel. I like you a lot but I don’t know you well enough to jump into bed. Maybe we can discuss this further on the phone.
Fondly,
Candace

We all face these issues. The choice is between emotional honesty or deception of ourselves and our partner. The case for honesty may be uncomfortable sometimes and require courage and taking risks. But relationships can only flourish if both partners act in harmony with their feelings, not against them.

Jacqui

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