Many couples feel trapped in their relationship. They complain about lack of love, communication or sex. Their frustrations and disappointments have piled up for so long, they feel disappointed, desperate and see no way out.

The Problem:
When the original romantic intoxication wanes, the unconscious interactions of most couples changes. Now they see each other as they are, not as they had first fantasized. Often, emotional disappointment and feelings of being unloved result. Conclusion: they believe the cause of their unhappiness is due to their partner's changing.

In fact, nobody changed, they just learned more about each other that's real, not imaginary: Without being aware couples start projecting onto each other what they dislike most about themselves. Unconsciously evoking deep childhood hurts and long repressed feelings in each other, causing their partner deep pain and anger. Feeling attacked, each partner responds with more negativity; criticism, withdrawing emotionally, blaming, denying sex. Love and trust erode. Hurt and distrust grow and seem un-surmountable.

The 7-Point Turn-Around:

l) Break the negative pattern consciously! Start behaving in a loving way. I can see many of you shaking your head. That's impossible. It'll never work. Therapists say it does if the couple truly wants to make a change.

2) Both of you must take responsibility for sharing with your partner what it is you want. Say what makes you happy, what gives you pleasure. Don't say if she/he doesn't know by now, what's the use!

3) Each writes down and exchange seven do-able things, specific wishes that you would like your partner to do: Give you a back rub, share events of the day over dinner, kiss when leaving and coming home, bringing flowers, cooking a favorite dessert, going for walks.give each other little daily joys.

4) Make a conscious effort, spend l5 caring minutes together, daily. It is essential to start building a body of loving, positive experiences and remember how good that feels.

5) Acknowledge your new feelings. Talk about them. Recognize and validate each other's efforts. As anger subsides, desire for each other is re-awakened.

6) Make a commitment to hang in even if there are setbacks. Breaking negative patterns is not easy. But we can train our brain. Imagine an alarm going off every time you want to say or do something hurtful. Stop using terms like "You always, you never." Use "I" phrases, such as "I would be happy if, I would love it if..."

7) Valuate your partner's needs as you do your own. Write down why your partner could be a life-affirming resource, a trusted advisor, a friend, and a lover. Exchange notes and discuss how you can translate your observations into being. Realize daily that you both have a choice to be loving.

Jacqui

June 2001
Ten good minutes daily equals a closer relationship.

May 2001
My wife's doctor never mentioned the risks in taking estrogen!

April 2001
I can't keep up and he feels cheated. Shouldn't a 64 year old male be slowing down?

March 2001
He admitted he still loved his ex, but wasn't "in love" with her.

February 2001
Even while we're making love I feel like I'm not really participating.

January 2001
Lack of staying power can it be helped?

December 2000
A Holiday Gift: Less Stress, More Joy.

October 1999
I'm fifty-six years old and still suffer from minor menopause symptoms.