Jennifer was an executive in a financial firm. At work she wore correct little business suits, and her demeanor was in line with the conservative nature of the firm. The moment she left the office, however, she became Jen in jeans and tight sweaters, leading an unconventional lifestyle with her boyfriend Ben, 12 years her junior. They had been happily living in a loft over two years when Ben popped the “M” question. Up to then Jen had avoided bringing him to company functions or social client activities. He accepted it as long as he was her boyfriend, but now everything had changed. Jennifer loved Ben and was committed to him but she couldn’t relate to many of his friends. She felt they ridiculed Ben’s relationship with her, “the older woman”. Occasionally she felt awkward about introducing Ben to acquaintances of hers. How would they judge her dating an obviously younger man? Most of all she worried about the future. Ten years from now would he still love her or trade her for a younger body?”

Ten years later she smiled about her worries. They had married and overcome many struggles. Ben’s architecture practice became successful which went a long way to make the relationship more even. Each had developed a distinct personality, a strong career and both contributed to the relationship in all ways. The friends they chose were those that accepted them as a couple. “We talked about the age problem extensively before we took the plunge”, Jen said, “ so we both became sensitized to the issues that made us uneasy. Real communication made the age difference become less of an issue, I’m still worried about my wrinkles though,” she laughed.

For others the age gap became the age trap. Kyra married a man 19 years older. Being in his late fifties, Edward had children from his first marriage and didn’t want any more. At 38, deeply in love with Edward, the age difference didn’t matter to Kyra nor did the child issue. By the time she reached 45 it did. Kyra was always rearing to go. At 64, Ed often preferred quiet evenings at home. More and more Kyra was feeling cheated; having given up the chance to be a mother, letting an exciting life go by. Younger men looked a lot more enticing to her than being saddled with a man that was suddenly too old for her.

Does age difference work? There is no one answer. Several men I have consulted praise the virtues of being involved with an older woman. “They are much more together. They know what they like and what they want and they are completely comfortable with their sexuality. And more caring.” A successful lawyer offers a different view. “I am flattered when a beautiful young woman is interested in me. It certainly boosts the old ego to walk into a restaurant…. and you can tell what all the guys are thinking. Young gals are full of fun. Sometimes the thought crosses my mind, however, why is she with me and for how long?”

Substantial data on marriage and relationships suggests that partnership work best when sharing as much as possible in terms of values, religious beliefs, lifestyle, background and other interests. Yet nowhere is it written that race, religious or age differences cannot be overcome and grow into dynamic and happy partnerships. The key is the willingness of both partners to recognize the sensitivities and potential pitfalls, to communicate daily, to be in each other’s life, to build a strong foundation so that mastering differences can actually help strengthen the relationship and contribute to mutual happiness.

Jacqui

June 2001
Ten good minutes daily equals a closer relationship.

May 2001
My wife's doctor never mentioned the risks in taking estrogen!

April 2001
I can't keep up and he feels cheated. Shouldn't a 64 year old male be slowing down?

March 2001
He admitted he still loved his ex, but wasn't "in love" with her.

February 2001
Even while we're making love I feel like I'm not really participating.

January 2001
Lack of staying power can it be helped?

December 2000
A Holiday Gift: Less Stress, More Joy.

October 1999
I'm fifty-six years old and still suffer from minor menopause symptoms.