Women and men, married or not, have no problems in quickly pinpointing the flaws with their partners affecting their relationship negatively. The complaints I hear most often from women are: "He never listens," "he's not emotionally available," "I can't get him to open up" ,"He has no clue about intimacy" Sounds familiar? If so, I propose a new approach to reshaping your relationship; focus on yourself. Make yourself happier by becoming more accepting and less judgmental of yourself.

As you learn these tools, you automatically become more accepting of your partner, your mutual trust and feelings of closeness deepen and your relationship moves from negative to positive territory.

It is a fact that we tend to attract partners that mirror parts of ourselves. If we are judgmental about ourselves we usually criticize similar flaws in our partner. Being non-judgmental means giving your partner the gift of letting him be who he is, not your fantasy of who you would like him to be.

After all, that's what both of you want! Only then will he feel free to talk from the heart, to trust that you are truly his friend. If the tone of your communication is threatening, he will surely recoil. Once we confront and correct our own shortcomings we are equally able to extend acceptance and forgiveness to our partner.

Letting go of negative feelings about ourselves enables us to see our partner in a different light. As a result we can feel tenderness and love again. Next time you're tempted to complain, examine your own behavior that led to the conflict? Can you listen with caring when you two talk, or do you just fake it, or worse, criticize the moment he starts communicating?

Can you forgive yourself and him? Can you empty your basket of past grievances? Hoarding negative material serves no purpose except to build walls between you. Can you stop setting the bar so high for him or yourself; it's impossible to meet your goals. Can you be happy with realistic achievements? Can you be easy and find reasons to laugh?

Over the years of listening I have learned that men are every bit as fragile emotionally as women, possibly even more afraid of rejection. Just like you, they look for acknowledgment and encouragement.

They want to know that they please you. They desperately want to connect. Show you care! Feel it, don't fake it. Say the magic words that make you feel encouraged and appreciated. Say them, often! Recognize your partner's contribution to your happiness in bed or out. Loving feelings multiply when partners feel accepted.

There is no relationship panacea. If you change and he doesn't - then maybe is the time to move on and find the partner who can grow with you.But there is a high probability that you can change your relationship for the happier if you truly take stock and embrace change.The knight on a white charger to solve your problems is hidden in your own heart and soul.

Jacqui

June 2001
Ten good minutes daily equals a closer relationship.

May 2001
My wife's doctor never mentioned the risks in taking estrogen!

April 2001
I can't keep up and he feels cheated. Shouldn't a 64 year old male be slowing down?

March 2001
He admitted he still loved his ex, but wasn't "in love" with her.

February 2001
Even while we're making love I feel like I'm not really participating.

January 2001
Lack of staying power can it be helped?

December 2000
A Holiday Gift: Less Stress, More Joy.

October 1999
I'm fifty-six years old and still suffer from minor menopause symptoms.