You’ve been stuck in a loveless relationship for a long time. Communication is down to essentials. You don’t hate each other. But there is no love either. You’ve accepted the dull pain of a loveless life, loneliness and sometimes depression. You’ve toyed with divorce, of going your own way. But change seems so threatening. The fear of the unknown seems overwhelming. The pain you know is more acceptable than the dread you don’t know.

What is your own particular fear that you feel invading you when you contemplate changing or even confronting the entire issue of your hurtful existence with your partner? Do you know what haunts you? Will your partner betray you, be vengeful, reject you even more fiercely, get ill or even dye when having to confront the truth? Do you fear being exploited or enslaved or even physically attacked if you come forward with honesty?

If you can accept that it is FEAR that makes you avoid living and loving, fear of emotional pain, then you will understand that you cannot avoid pain by avoiding decisions to change. All you do is accept your current pain for the pain you fear more. It is fear that made you lose your ability to love. But love is never lost. Loving doesn’t go away. This wonderful energy of life is still in your heart to be released over and over again. All you have to do is overcome your fear.

Start the healing process by isolating your particular anxiety. Sit back, go inside yourself, think. Feel why you are anxious. Write down your thoughts. Then try to talk to a close friend about them. When you’re more comfortable with the process, invite your partner in a caring way to try to resolve your loveless life. Maybe you send a caring note first. Explain that you want to achieve positive changes for both of you. Suggest to your partner to isolate what his or her fears are and focus on them. You both need to do some work with yourselves before having the first session together. Once you agree when that happens, find a place that doesn’t remind you of past hostilities. Go for a walk. Listen to music you both enjoy. Have brunch in a place that meant a lot to you, once. Both have agreed not to delve into accusations and argumentative, destructive behavior. It’s not about winning for either but winning together. It’s about retrieving the loving feelings you once had for each other, to gently build a bridge to a happier life. Maybe take some old wedding or happiness pictures along and look at them together. Or love letters you wrote to each other. If needed, involve a therapist for starters to help the process going.

Understand it is entirely in your power to make a choice for a loving life, together or apart. It is possible to winning back intimacy, sexuality, friendship and love. I just attended a wonderful 40th anniversary party for friends who had been separated for two years. On the brink of divorce they resolved to face their fears and find a way back to each other. They are more in love now than ever.

Don’t let fear avoid living. Let your heart speak when you communicate. That moment when you face each other focus on putting love back in your life. Expect the positive. It will reflect in your voice, your gestures and in your eyes and may just open the door to your partner’s heart.
Happy Valentine.

Jacqui

June 2001
Ten good minutes daily equals a closer relationship.

May 2001
My wife's doctor never mentioned the risks in taking estrogen!

April 2001
I can't keep up and he feels cheated. Shouldn't a 64 year old male be slowing down?

March 2001
He admitted he still loved his ex, but wasn't "in love" with her.

February 2001
Even while we're making love I feel like I'm not really participating.

January 2001
Lack of staying power can it be helped?

December 2000
A Holiday Gift: Less Stress, More Joy.

October 1999
I'm fifty-six years old and still suffer from minor menopause symptoms.