With Valentine approaching many couples yearn to re-ignite feelings of the love and passion they once felt. For singles the desire to find that wonderful partner takes on new urgency. Is it possible to rekindle love? If we put our minds and determination to the task the answer is yes. Often our "if only list" is the stumbling block that keeps love away. Once we let go of hurtful grudges love and sexuality can bloom again.

Stop collecting "If onlys"!, "If only he were neater, if only she were more adventurous in bed, If only he would open up, If only she would hear me out, If only he had been more aware of my needs? we would still be together."

Enough! Let go of your negative fixations to free up love energy. Once you do it and experience the surge of good feelings towards each other, all you will say is "if only I had done this sooner!?"

Be the initiator. Suggest to your partner to have a productive "if only" release session so you both can feel more loving. Each partner brings their top three "if only's" to the table. Both agree to the ground rules; no rancor, no accusations, communicate with caring and the intent to really understand what your partner is saying.

You want to become closer, rediscover the happiness of being together. Many partners tell me that using this exercise they've experienced an instant surge of love feelings. One couple with a history of deadly silence admitted they had the most exquisite sex after burying their "if only issues".Not all "if only's" are easy to solve. Some will take time and patience. In some cases a professional counselor is required to get the process going. Once you start the working together, keep reinforcing each other.

Acknowledge even subtle changes with compliments. More hugging and physical contact is a wonderful way to say thank you. Show your partner you're willing to change. Break calcified couple patterns. Little midweek breaks work wonders: movies, concerts, and dinner with friends. Change love routines. Switch time or location when making love.

Touch or kiss your partner in a place you've never paid attention to before. Find a new position or place in your home to enjoy your sexual escapade. Add something new to the mix, maybe the music that means something special to you. Throw the cushions of your couch on the floor to make a new love pad.

Actions speak louder than words. Words are powerful. They convey the message you want to give each other. Make it caring and be sure you clearly understand each other and agree as to your relationship goals. Then enact the words. If you have ended your last relationship and feel ambivalent about the break-up, review your "if only" list. Were you too critical, too rigid or too demanding?

If there was real love, it can be recaptured as long as your effort comes from your heart and you're both willing to make realistic changes. Real love doesn't evaporate. But it can't bloom in a negative climate.

Happy Valentine!

Jacqui

June 2001
Ten good minutes daily equals a closer relationship.

May 2001
My wife's doctor never mentioned the risks in taking estrogen!

April 2001
I can't keep up and he feels cheated. Shouldn't a 64 year old male be slowing down?

March 2001
He admitted he still loved his ex, but wasn't "in love" with her.

February 2001
Even while we're making love I feel like I'm not really participating.

January 2001
Lack of staying power can it be helped?

December 2000
A Holiday Gift: Less Stress, More Joy.

October 1999
I'm fifty-six years old and still suffer from minor menopause symptoms.