Dear Jacqui,
We celebrated our first anniversary last week. Having both been divorced, we wanted to really get to know each other well before jumping in. One of the things that made our relationship so exciting was our incredible attraction to each other. We are both highly sexual animals.

But I don't know what has happened. In the last few months I've simply lost it. I have trouble getting aroused and often I am bone dry which is obvious to my husband. I'd give anything to feel like I did before. Instead, I have become anxious about not being able to respond properly. Even while we're making love I feel like I'm not really participating.
Janice

Dear Janice,
For most couples, a new involvement is the most exciting time of intimacy. This time of infatuation is described as "falling in love" because we literally may experience a sense of falling or floating.

Often, however, these feelings are based on a fantasy we have about a new partner. As the reality starts to emerge and we begin to discover and interact with the real person this "love fever" is hard to sustain. At this stage we evaluate if this relationship enriches our life or if it was a mere infatuation. If there is value and growth in the relationship, then a new sentiment grows, one of a more enduring love.

It is based on growing trust, friendship, and loving the person for the very qualities that are revealed, not the ones we imagined. It is not unusual that during this phase both partners discover deeper sexual intimacy, a greater sense of comfort and freedom with each other, knowing how to please each other more.

If you still love your man, then maybe there is something wrong with your expectations. You could lessen the pressure if you could accept that nothing is static in a relationship, including sexuality. Instead of worrying about what has gone wrong, concentrate on what's wonderful between you. Stay present during lovemaking. Feel his touch, his kisses, the gift of loving, moment by moment.

Breathe deeply and feel each wonderful sensation. Become an active participant again rather than a passive observer. Embrace the present rather than measuring it against sexual memories of the past.

Jacqui

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