Dear Jacqui,
I've been divorced for many years, had several relationships but they all ended in conflict. I've come to realize that these break-ups all have to do with my low self esteem which I had all my life. Is there a way I can change? Dave

Dear Dave,
The beauty of life is that we are never too old to change if we are really committed to do it. I suggest two powerful tools which many health professional recommend as successful strategies. They may seem startling at first, but if you understand them and live by these principles, your self-esteem will improve:

1. Never lie! That means don't put yourself in a situation that compromises you so that you have to lie thereafter. An acquaintance of mine who had your very problem told me this story.

He was in a relationship and things were not good. The trust had been broken too many times. One night he went to a bar and started talking to a woman for several hours. When he got home, his live-in confronted him at the door. "Where have you been? It's 1:00 am?" He remembered the lesson about not lying. For the first time he mustered up his courage and told the truth.

He immediately was overcome by the power of how good it felt to be truthful. He began to understand to avoid compromising situations.. He stopped creating fabrications or make statements that lack integrity and lead to dishonesty. Once he followed this path his feelings about himself slowly changed positive. Eventually he found self-acceptance and self-respect so he was able to approach his next relationship with confidence. To love and accept a partner is predicated on being able to love and respect your self first.

2. Start building a body of positive experiences that make you feel worthy and proud of yourself.

Meg, a woman with low self esteem, systematically shied away from any involvement that required personal courage. She ducked sticky issues rather than stand up be counted and ran the other way. One day her friend at work was wrongfully blamed for a foul-up and was in jeopardy of being fired.

During their lunch break her friend asked Meg to speak up. Meg was terrified. She found all kinds of excuses why she couldn't do so. Her friend got up. "I thought I had a friend in you?

I guess I don't," and left. In her panic Meg ran to her superior and blurted out the truth. After she did it, she felt ten feet tall. That experience changed her life. She started talking responsibility for her thoughts and actions.

This powerful, positive experience made her realize that she had choices, always, to do the right thing. Positive thinking and positive doing are the building stones that are the basis for a good sense of self and caring relationships with friends and love partners.

Jacqui

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