Dear Jacqui,
We have been living together a few years. Recently he has started to show a lot of jealousy. We get along well except for these unexpected bouts of distrust. His jealousy is causing a lot of tension and I'm very concerned about losing him. I love him with all my heart. Lately, however, he even doubts my love!
Isabelle

Dear Isabelle,
Jealousy is complex. Often it is based on insecurity and fear. Your boyfriend may have had an experience with another woman who broke his trust. He now projects these feelings of distrust onto your relationship. Jealousy could also have its roots in a loveless childhood. Little children who feel unloved often develop feelings of jealousy. In adulthood these imbedded patterns can undermine a person's relationships, especially the love relationship.

These people actually believe there is a good reason for their jealousy, even if there is no reason at all. It usually takes professional help to resolve such difficult psychological issues. However, feelings of jealousy can also be caused by a partner's inappropriate behavior. I know a young woman who is a provocative flirter and seems completely unconscious of her behavior, which is confusing and hurtful to her partner.

When her partner talks to her about it she immediately accuses him of jealousy, ignoring her part entirely. To this day in some cultures women are thought of as possessions. Any interchange with "his woman" may cause intense feelings of jealousy in the male owner.

You need to focus on what the core issue is that's causing the problem. Is it his problem? Has it always been there and now it simply careened out of sight due to recent circumstances? Do you have any part in it? I suggest you have an open and caring discussion with your boyfriend, away from the bedroom. Go for a walk and cuddle in a favorite place. Introduce the issue by assuring him that you love him and challenge him to make an emotional investment in your common future.

Both of you must agree to be deeply honest with each other. Each partner should present his or her views uninterrupted. The facts are what they are, only the way you view them is different. The solution is to bridge these differences. If his jealousy issues are deeply ingrained, you may need to explore couple or individual therapy. If your love for each other is genuine, both of you will happily make an investment in the relationship. One partner alone can't do it.

Jacqui

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