For a happier, more intimate relationship.

According to the National Alliance for Caregiving and the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), over 22 million US households, nearly one in four, are providing care to a parent, relative or friend, aged 50 or older. Other recent surveys suggest that today’s Baby Boomers will probably spend more years caring for a parent than they did for their children.

I remember how helpless and anguished I felt when caring for my mom during the last few months of her life, having to leave my husband in LA. He visited me in Europe once when he could get away for a long weekend. We telephoned daily. Sometimes I could hear his disappointment and the loneliness in his voice. Sometimes I too felt deeply alone and often guilty.

Growing up we form an inner image of our parents, healthy, active, in charge. When we mature and often move away, we only see each other occasionally or call to know that everything is “fine”. We are not conscious of subtle changes. For many of us reality strikes when something unfortunate happens to our parents. Suddenly they need our help, our time, our caring. We are called to be the parent and take care of them, a role we’re not prepared for, especially if health conditions have ravaged their lives and personalities. Who are these parents, frail and helpless? How do we handle the new responsibilities that require personal commitments?

Multiple parties vie for our time and attention; our life partner and children, the company for which we work and now our parents. What if our parents have run out of money due to unexpected medical emergencies? Are we to step in? What is the effect on our family’s own finances? Can we ask our partner to make sacrifices? Planning and discussing these sensitive subjects with elderly parents or relatives before serious life disruptions happen is essential.

Shortly after Jan’s second marriage, her father broke his hip. Being an only child, the entire responsibility fell into her lap. Released from the hospital, her dad preferred moving back to his own apartment. Jan hired help, but the bills sky-rocketed, so she chose to work part-time and take on the care giving; shopping, cooking, running to the doctors and all other endless chores. “She was so exhausted when she finally came home at night, she had nothing left for us,” said her new husband. “While I supported her and agreed that her dad should live with us, it was hell on our relationship. Little problems cropped up every day. We often wondered, where had our life gone?”

Caring for an elder parent or relative may be overwhelming, especially if we are totally unprepared when an emergency arises. Just as we plan for our own future, we should consider and prepare with our parents or others that expect to rely on us for possible scenarios. Once we are called to step in, our life partner, maybe even our children, must be included in resolving these new challenges. Only by sharing all our issues with family members can we find acceptable solutions no matter how guilty, angry or resentful we feel. For the person caught in the middle between parties, these are particularly difficult challenges. Yet sometimes, when partners go through adversity together, there is a silver lining. They may find new respect and love and become aware how much value they bring to each other’s life.

For local and national organizations and support groups that can help with “care giving” problems check at www.veryprivate.com.

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