When Jeannie lost her job that she had held for many years because of company downsizing, neither she nor her husband Eric considered the effects on their family budget. Both felt she would find a new position sooner or later.
In fact, Jeannie was in no hurry to go back to work. Months later she still felt angry and licking her wounds she discovered an exciting new pacifier: obsessive shopping. Bargains were everywhere! She couldn’t resist. Eric ignored what was happening, especially the fact that she spent hours on the shopping channels long after he retired. By the time she slipped into bed, Eric was deep asleep. Sex went out of their lives while the bills kept flying in. Rather than confronting his wife, Eric became part of the problem by being the enabler.

Both partners felt secretly guilty about letting this unholy situation ride but kept denying it existed. Money tensions mounted and undermined their marriage. Eventually the stress of financial ruin resulted in daily bickering and acrimony, destroying mutual trust and love. When the couple maxed out on their last credit card, both their bank account and marriage had reached rock bottom. They contemplated filing for bankruptcy and divorce.

The way to recovery:
• The emotional steps: As in all problems, identifying that there is a problem and accepting responsibility is step one.
• Therapists agree that a decision to solve the problem together must come next. That means, stop blaming each other. Instead start communicating fully and respectfully to identify why you got into trouble in the first place.
• Discuss your spending habits in detail and your feelings about money. For many this is the first occasion they even considered their emotions or hang-ups about this very issue. Once out in the open discuss how to change inappropriate behavior, if necessary. What a relief to know that you can let go of destructive behavior.
• You’ve created this problem together, each for different motives. Now focus hard on why you behaved in the way you did. What were you covering up? Difficulties in the marriage? Lack of self esteem? Fear that if you talked about a real problem the other would leave you? You may need help from an outside counselor to get to the root problem and correct it.
• If you want to rediscover the positive feelings you have for each other say so. Talk from the heart. Ask each other how you can be more loving? And then listen to your partner and follow the advice.
• Accept that you both lost control over your financial lives and your marriage. It takes both of your resolve to regain it.
• The financial steps: Get some practical help. Appoint a caring friend or neutral advisor to help develop a new financial family plan. It should incorporate five categories:

Monthly musts: rent or mortgage, utilities, etc.
Pleasure time dollars: it is unrealistic to expect that all extras can be cut from the budget. Allocate some reward money for movies, mini-vacations and other diversion.
Monthly Debt reduction and saving. As the debt mountain shrinks, talk about how good that feels. Set a time goal for reaching your objective. Celebrate progress.
Supplemental income. Together develop a job hunt plan for Jeannie. Identify interim income producing activities such as a Saturday sales position when stores need additional help.
Unexpected: Make an allocation for illness, unexpected car payments or repairs.

One partner takes on book keeping, tracking every single expenditure. Both agree not to buy anything unless it’s a mutual decision and within the budget. Review your account weekly and file a report with your financial advisor. Meet with him or her once a month to discuss progress.
The big payoff: Many couples have been positively surprised. Sometimes working through adversity together can strengthen the bond, respect and love for each other. Some end up in a happier place together than they have ever been before.

Jacqui

June 2001
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May 2001
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April 2001
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March 2001
He admitted he still loved his ex, but wasn't "in love" with her.

February 2001
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January 2001
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December 2000
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October 1999
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