Dear Jacqui:
My wife is 45 and we've been married for a long time with teenage girls. Different shifts and lots of overtime on my part caused a sense of neglect and feelings of being unloved for my wife. I hear what she says is wrong with our relationship and I'm willing to do a 180-degree turnaround.

She, however, is willing to throw away 25 years of being together. I see signs of pre-menopausal symptoms. She gets extremely offended when I mention this as a possible block to us working out our problems. She is in a state of extreme denial along with mood swings, depression, and other signs that I see. She is on birth control pills and states that since she is not having hot flashes, and the fact that her period is still considered regular, there is no way that she is entering the change of life period. HELP. Doug

Dear Doug,
I know that it is not easy to make an emotional turn-around and I commend you for having the courage and the insight to get your marriage back on the right track. Don't give up even though your first steps have not met with success. It is quite possible that your wife at her age is in pre-menopause and is going through difficult emotional swings generated by hormonal changes.

It is also possible that a lot of the misunderstandings have locked her in a defensive position and she is not yet ready to open up. I would suggest a little break in your everyday routine, maybe take a weekend away from everything.. During this time, try to be caring and supportive, tell her that you understand it is not easy to turn around and let go of the hurt and painful feelings or misunderstanding.

Convey to her that you are willing to do your part. Both of you have a lot of positive feelings vested in each other; there is a foundation of something very valuable. It is certainly worth trying to work your way through the disappointments and misunderstanding and to rebuild the trust and a loving caring relationship once more. Possibly you should start by seeing a marriage counselor together, at least in the beginning to give her the opportunity and the safety of a neutral environment to air her feelings.

Another thing I suggest is to spend twenty really wonderful minutes with each other every day. Praise her for things she does that you notice. Listen without judging her or without jumping to quick resolutions.

Women often simply want to be heard; men want to solve the problem right away. Do the unexpected. Go for walks together; get tickets for a concert or an event she would like. Touch, kiss, hug and tell her how good she feels. Trust cannot be reestablished right away -- you have to build it little by little. And, as much as possible avoid the old patterns. I can feel your sincerity, I know your wife can too. She is always welcome to write to me. I wish you success in your endeavor.

Jacqui




		Menopause & Menstruation
	"I see signs of pre-menopausal symptoms in my wife and it's affecting our relationship."l Dear Jacqui: My wife is 45 and we've been married for a long time with teenage girls. Different shifts and lots of overtime on my part caused a sense of neglect and feelings of being unloved for my wife. I hear what she says is wrong with our relationship and I'm willing to do a 180-degree turnaround. She, however, is willing to throw away 25 years of being together. I see signs of pre-menopausal symptoms. She gets extremely offended when I mention this as a possible block to us working out our problems. She is in a state of extreme denial along with mood swings, depression, and other signs that I see. She is on birth control pills and states that since she is not having hot flashes, and the fact that her period is still considered regular, there is no way that she is entering the change of life period. HELP. Doug Dear Doug, I know that it is not easy to make an emotional turn-around and I commend you for having the courage and the insight to get your marriage back on the right track. Don't give up even though your first steps have not met with success. It is quite possible that your wife at her age is in pre-menopause and is going through difficult emotional swings generated by hormonal changes. It is also possible that a lot of the misunderstandings have locked her in a defensive position and she is not yet ready to open up. I would suggest a little break in your everyday routine, maybe take a weekend away from everything.. During this time, try to be caring and supportive, tell her that you understand it is not easy to turn around and let go of the hurt and painful feelings or misunderstanding. Convey to her that you are willing to do your part. Both of you have a lot of positive feelings vested in each other; there is a foundation of something very valuable. It is certainly worth trying to work your way through the disappointments and misunderstanding and to rebuild the trust and a loving caring relationship once more. Possibly you should start by seeing a marriage counselor together, at least in the beginning to give her the opportunity and the safety of a neutral environment to air her feelings. Another thing I suggest is to spend twenty really wonderful minutes with each other every day. Praise her for things she does that you notice. Listen without judging her or without jumping to quick resolutions. Women often simply want to be heard; men want to solve the problem right away. Do the unexpected. Go for walks together; get tickets for a concert or an event she would like. Touch, kiss, hug and tell her how good she feels. Trust cannot be reestablished right away -- you have to build it little by little. And, as much as possible avoid the old patterns. I can feel your sincerity, I know your wife can too. She is always welcome to write to me. I wish you success in your endeavor. Jacqui Copyright 2001 Brandwynne Corporation. All rights reserved. Thank you for your trust.

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